F'd up as a crippled cricket on a bream bed.

When my grandmother asked who I was going duck hunting with she replied " Why in the world are you going with him?" and I replied " He's an good old boy " to which she said words I have never forgotten.... "Skip was a good old dog but he would eat poop"...d2

What ever floats your boat.

As the long tailed monkey said after the train ran over it "It ain't long now"
He's as nervous as a long tailed cat in room full of rocking chairs.
Can't hit the broad side of a barn with a shotgun even if he was standing in the middle with doors shut.

don't take inverntory of your poultry production until
passage of proper incubation period has expired!

He was on my butt like a short overcoat

That dog didn't get beat with an ugly stick, the whole dang tree fell on him.

Sliperier than owl poop on a wet limb.

He is so tight that when he holds a nickle the buffalo screams.

Deed-N-double. (It means indeed twice that I agree with what you said)

Slower than a dead turtle.

Slicker n snot

Slicker n a kitty's whisker

Slicker n a minners di-k

You know what they say about corn,......See ya tomorrow.

Dumber than a box of rocks.
He's as smooth as sand paper.

All hat, no cattle.

Rainin harder than an old cow pissin on a flat rock.

Wish in one hand and shxt in the other and see which one gets filled the fastest.

Couldn't pour pisx out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

Doesn't know his xss from a hole in the ground.

Colder than a witch's tit.

As useful as a mud fence.

Makes about as much sense as a bag full of left handed hammer handles.

As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

As scarce as hen's teeth.

Runnin' around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Hornier than a three peckered billy goat.

Tired as a dollar whxre on nickel night.

Harder than Chicken's lips.

Ugly enough to scare buzzards off a gut wagon.

His breath could knock a buzzard off a $[Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot] wagon.

You're sharper n a hound's tooth.

Hooked up like two beagles.

When she was walking away it looked like two puppies fightin' in a pillow case.

Hotter than two rats f-ing in a wool sock

I ain't skeered of nuthin' but spiders and dry counties.

Ain't seen a smile like that since Captain Hook wiped with the wrong hand. :0)

She's not the brightest bulb on the tree but he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer either .

Louder than 2 skeletons screwin' on a tin roof.

Meaner than a pit bull chewing a hornet's nest.

It's colder than a whxre's heart.

After a nasty fart -- "Better throw some toilet paper on the ground and call that one a krap"

Country as cow shxt