Home
Country Quips - let's hear 'em
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 11:49 AM
I've got this Marine who works with me. He's from West Virginia, he's funny, and he comes up with some crazy funny sayings when he's chewing someone's butt. I write them down as I hear them and have about 30 of his and mine combined at the moment. I'll start.
"That Marine's harder than Chinese algebra."
Posted By: Larry Baer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 11:59 AM
Last night I slept like a baby - woke up every two hours and cried
Posted By: 160user
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 12:19 PM
That guy is strong like bull and smart like tractor.
Posted By: hoho
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 12:20 PM
Jerry on American Hoggers has some good ones like
"it's like wiping your but with a hula hoop... There ain't no end to it!"
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 12:28 PM
It's like wiping before you poop...it don't make sense.
Posted By: elkaholic
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 12:40 PM
It's coming up a cloud.
It's windier than 2 old women gossiping over a clothes line.
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 12:47 PM
I was nervous as a [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot] in church.
Posted By: Kirk Howes
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:00 PM
From Aunt Gertie in Port Clinton, Ohio.
Circa 1980
She quipped " That's as common as an old stick"
Posted By: Warmutt
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:02 PM
Taste so bad I had to lick a coon dogs butt to get the flavor out of my mouth.
It were so heavy that I cut a washer off my a hole lifting it.
I'll kick a mud hole in your butt, then stomp it dry!
Ain't seen you in forever. Thought you went to take poop and the hogs done ate you.
Saved you life the other day when I saw a poop eating cur dog and shot em'!
Smiling like a possum eating poop in the Moon light.
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:22 PM
That's slicker than snot on a chicken lip.
Posted By: Furback
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:24 PM
"Grinning like a Mule eating Saw Briers"
Posted By: Nathanfalls116
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:30 PM
Busier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
He was shaking like a cat crapping concertina wire.
Posted By: chas3457
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:35 PM
Shivering like a puppy passing peach pits.
Charlie
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:37 PM
I heard you died in a whxre house.
Posted By: ~ADC~
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:37 PM
Colder than a cast iron toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg.
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:40 PM
When they passed out heads I thought they said beds---and asked for a big iron one.
Posted By: Larry Baer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:42 PM
I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I'm no spoon either
Like a baby loves his bottle
That's what I like about you- Nothin
All back , no brains
Posted By: tak6165
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:45 PM
Madder than a three legged dog trying to bury a turd in the ice.
It's like krapping in your chaps and sitting in it, just not a good idea.
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:46 PM
He's not the brightest light in the harbor.
I think the cheese slipped off his cracker.
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:51 PM
I was about as popular as a txrd in a punch bowl.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 01:55 PM
Harder than trying to put lipstick on a chicken!
Posted By: Furback
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:01 PM
"Ah Horse Feathers"
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:06 PM
Madder than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest
Posted By: dougG270
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:08 PM
Looks like someone kicked your puppy.
Hotter then a hooker at church.
More bored then a blind man at a strip club.
As dry as a popcorn fart.
more tired then a hooker sunday morning.
As sharp as a 2x4.
As quick as a 3 legged turtle.
Its like dating a fat chick. It gets the job done but leaves a bad taste in your mouth. (my wifes cooking)
Posted By: G-Trapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:10 PM
handy as a pocket in your under wear,thats about as hard as trying to shove a wet noodle up a wild lions butt.
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:13 PM
It's hotter than the hinges of he'll
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:15 PM
That guy is 3 French fries short of a happy meal. !!!
Posted By: RiverRat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:17 PM
Harder than a Hickory Dick on a Hobby Horse
Posted By: griz16p
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:39 PM
He's nuttier than squirrel turds.
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:41 PM
So hard a cat couldn't scratch it.
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:42 PM
More complicated than Chinese math.
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:43 PM
Worthless as t!ts on a boar hog.
Posted By: tmrschessie
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:45 PM
Older then dirt and twice as crusty....
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:47 PM
He couldn't pour p!ss out of a boot if the directions were on the heel.
Posted By: Furback
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:49 PM
As scarce as Hen's teeth.
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:52 PM
He couldn't hit a bull in the a$$ with a bass fiddle.
Posted By: NEtrapandhunt
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:54 PM
he couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:54 PM
If bullsh!t were music he would be a brass band.
Posted By: BearB8
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:55 PM
I'm so hungry I could eat the butthole out of a skunk.
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:59 PM
When I go hunting I don't take a gun---I just ugly 'em the death. I have to leave my wife at though---she tears 'em up to bad.
Posted By: swift4me
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 02:59 PM
She's about as dingy as a sack of hammers
then I called her a two bit wh0re and then she hit me with a sack o'quarters
Posted By: 16penny
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 03:00 PM
nuttier than an outhouse on a peanut farm
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 03:08 PM
More irritating than a dog peeder gnat!
Harder than woodpecker lips!
More worthless than a screen door on a submarine.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 03:09 PM
I think this is the best.....after an emergency trip to the toilet....
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 03:25 PM
nuttier than an outhouse on a peanut farm
Lmao! That's even nuttier than a squirrel turd!
Posted By: trapmando
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 03:30 PM
crazier than a six pecKered billy goat
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 03:35 PM
Windier than a sack full of [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot]holes.
Posted By: Nelly
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 03:35 PM
He aint afraid of hard work,he'll get right up close and watch.
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 03:42 PM
I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.
Posted By: IdahoRoger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 03:43 PM
She's uglier than a mud fence.
Posted By: Nailer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 04:06 PM
nuttier than an outhouse on a peanut farm
That saying right there is cornier than deer poop!
He's so short he has to stand on his tip toes just to peak outta his sneakers.
He could play handball against a curb.
Busier than a 2 peckered billy goat during breeding season.
Her cookin' shoots through my colon faster than a Japanese bullet train.
His Indian name is "5 Dimes" cause he's only "Half a buck"
Posted By: Old man
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 04:10 PM
I taught that kid everything I know about trappin' and he still don't know nuthin'.
Posted By: Art S
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 04:16 PM
They call him blister,always showing up after the work is done.
After an old man rips one he says 'That's gonna itch when it dries'
Posted By: Old man
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 04:16 PM
Ya know, if she was a blonde at least she'd have an excuse.
Posted By: Just waiting
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 05:01 PM
Grinin like a dead hog in the sunshine.
Posted By: Rikki1
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 05:07 PM
He's a couple fries short of a happy meal. It fits like a ruby in a goats _ss
Posted By: WKnight
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 05:08 PM
"I'm finer than frog hair split seven ways." "That cart is a few bricks shy of a full load." "I went to college, to the school of Hard Knox to be exact."
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 05:20 PM
Speaking of an arrogant screw ball....I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he THINKS he's worth.
Posted By: swift4me
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 05:31 PM
If confidence was nickels... you'd be a rich man.
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 05:34 PM
Uglier than a bucket full of smashed asholes
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 05:35 PM
F'd up as a crippled cricket on a bream bed.
Posted By: D-2
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 05:44 PM
When my grandmother asked who I was going duck hunting with she replied " Why in the world are you going with him?" and I replied " He's an good old boy " to which she said words I have never forgotten.... "Skip was a good old dog but he would eat poop"...d2
Posted By: malenurse
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 05:46 PM
What ever floats your boat.
Posted By: Don Adams
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 05:50 PM
As the long tailed monkey said after the train ran over it "It ain't long now"
He's as nervous as a long tailed cat in room full of rocking chairs.
Can't hit the broad side of a barn with a shotgun even if he was standing in the middle with doors shut.
Posted By: cyacoyote
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 05:51 PM
don't take inverntory of your poultry production until
passage of proper incubation period has expired!
Posted By: hrdtoflw
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 05:56 PM
He was on my butt like a short overcoat
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 06:11 PM
That dog didn't get beat with an ugly stick, the whole dang tree fell on him.
Sliperier than owl poop on a wet limb.
He is so tight that when he holds a nickle the buffalo screams.
Deed-N-double. (It means indeed twice that I agree with what you said)
Slower than a dead turtle.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 06:39 PM
Slicker n snot
Slicker n a kitty's whisker
Slicker n a minners di-k
Posted By: dula
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 06:52 PM
You know what they say about corn,......See ya tomorrow.
Posted By: dula
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 06:54 PM
Dumber than a box of rocks.
He's as smooth as sand paper.
Posted By: BaldKnobber1
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 06:58 PM
All hat, no cattle.
Rainin harder than an old cow pissin on a flat rock.
Wish in one hand and shxt in the other and see which one gets filled the fastest.
Couldn't pour pisx out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.
Doesn't know his xss from a hole in the ground.
Colder than a witch's tit.
As useful as a mud fence.
Makes about as much sense as a bag full of left handed hammer handles.
As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
As scarce as hen's teeth.
Runnin' around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Hornier than a three peckered billy goat.
Tired as a dollar whxre on nickel night.
Harder than Chicken's lips.
Ugly enough to scare buzzards off a gut wagon.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 07:17 PM
His breath could knock a buzzard off a $[Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot] wagon.
You're sharper n a hound's tooth.
Posted By: BuckNE
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 07:23 PM
Hooked up like two beagles.
Posted By: BuckNE
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 07:25 PM
When she was walking away it looked like two puppies fightin' in a pillow case.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 07:30 PM
Hotter than two rats f-ing in a wool sock
Posted By: BuckNE
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 07:32 PM
I ain't skeered of nuthin' but spiders and dry counties.
Posted By: Bryce Hartzog
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 07:51 PM
Ain't seen a smile like that since Captain Hook wiped with the wrong hand. :0)
Posted By: Old man
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 08:11 PM
She's not the brightest bulb on the tree but he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer either .
Posted By: slydogx
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 09:07 PM
Louder than 2 skeletons screwin' on a tin roof.
Meaner than a pit bull chewing a hornet's nest.
It's colder than a whxre's heart.
After a nasty fart -- "Better throw some toilet paper on the ground and call that one a krap"
Posted By: hoho
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 09:19 PM
Country as cow shxt
Posted By: rinn69
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 09:23 PM
When they were passing out brains, you thought they said trains, and you said "Nah, I'll catch the next one"
You're about as sharp as a bowling ball
Black holes are brighter than you
Posted By: SCOtrapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 09:41 PM
That went over like a fart in church
I'm sweatin like 3 fat chicks in a phone booth
Posted By: jarrett
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 09:49 PM
Don't let your shotgun mouth, overload your bb gun butt
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 09:55 PM
Oh, I can't believe I forgot this one. Again, to the credit of my West Virginia Marine named Gunnery Sergeant Hensley.....
It's hotter than a pedophile in a Barney suit!
It's gonna be hard to beat that one. I think Paul should vote for the top 3.
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 10:03 PM
I'm so broke,I can't fart and get a scent.
That's queer as a footballbat.
Posted By: Ridge Runner1960
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 10:33 PM
he doesn't know whether Christ was crucified or shot in the a$$ with a BB gun
can't tell Sheet from applebutter, unless he can taste them both
she's double barreled boneyard butt ugly
the difference between him and a bucket of sheet, the bucket!
If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave his a$$ and learn him to walk backwards
busier than a 1 armed paper hanger with crabs
busy as a 1 legged man at an azz kickin contest
she's so ugly she could pull her teeth and go trick-or-treatin as an azzhole
when ya get to old to cut the mustard....lick the jar
that went over like a turd in the punchbowl
If they took your brain out, shoved it up a bluebirds azz, looked at it through a microscope, it would look like a bb rolling around in a boxcar.
He's so ugly his mamma use to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him
her cookin is so bad for dessert ya grab the cat, lick his azz to get the taste outta your mouth
I better quit!!!
RR
Posted By: hrdtoflw
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 10:36 PM
If you balanced her brain on a razor blade, it would look like a bb on a four lane highway!!!
Posted By: Blunderbuss
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 11:01 PM
He's so tight you couldn't slip a greased bb up his.
Posted By: keets
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 11:20 PM
don't just stand there like you're being milked
Posted By: Ridge Runner1960
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 11:27 PM
todays politicians are so crooked, they don't bury them, just screw'em in the ground when they die.
If he ain't got the first dollar he ever made, he's got what he bought with it
RR
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 11:30 PM
Happier than a tick on a fat dog.
Posted By: Dean Mitchell
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 11:44 PM
Busier than a man tying up sand with bailing wire.
He don't know sheet from shoe polish till you look at his boots.
He is so tight he wouldn't pay a nickel to see a pissant eat a bale of hay.
Posted By: cyacoyote
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/18/13 11:49 PM
hes off, like a thundering herd of turtles
Posted By: hrdtoflw
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:01 AM
Don't stand there like a cow looking at a new gate.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:03 AM
I think this is the best.....after an emergency trip to the toilet....
Sorry, Paul...the dollar signs didn't quite cover it enough. I'll be more tasteful.
Butt opened up like a 50 cent suitcase.
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:24 AM
He's so cheap...he wouldn't spend a nickel to see an earthquake.
It hotter than Tobeys a$$
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:27 AM
It's so foggy out...the birds are walking !!!
Posted By: bic
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:32 AM
Sweating like a pregnant Nun going to confession.
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:33 AM
We're off....like a prom dress
Posted By: hoho
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:38 AM
His truck wouldn't pull a greasy string out of a cats arse!
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:38 AM
Funnier than a fart in church.......on Christmas.
Posted By: barbwire
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:39 AM
"No matter how hard you try you can't make apple butter outa horse crap"
Posted By: panhead501
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:47 AM
That stuff is harder than superman's kneecap...
Grinning like a fox with a mouth full of yellowjackets...
Posted By: trapper les
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:54 AM
if I dont see you in the future,I'll see you in the pasture
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:58 AM
Bowed up like a 3 legged cat with diarrhea an no dirt to scratch in.
Posted By: Savell
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 01:08 AM
shoot low sheriff she's ridin a shetlon
Posted By: pappy t
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 01:27 AM
Busier than a cat covering up crap on a marble floor.
Shaking like a bird dog crapping a log chain and dreddin' the hook!
Posted By: chas3457
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 01:34 AM
That boy's got a lota quit in him.
Charlie
Posted By: bawplank
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 01:46 AM
slower then a cat covering crap in the klondike.
you dont know coon crap from fancy candy.
does a bear crap in the woods?
Is a fifty pound squirrel fat?
We should vote on these, fun thread
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 02:03 AM
It sticks out like a booger in a glass of milk
Posted By: trapper les
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 02:07 AM
thicker than turds around a country school house in the springtime
slower than steam rolling off dogcrap at 20 below
Posted By: dixiemagnum80
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 02:12 AM
stinks worse than a butter bean fart
hotter than a pistol in a mexican holdup
seen a better head on nickel beer (my uncle likes to use this when my aunt walks in the door...LOL)
havent seen you in a coons age
slower than molasses in wintertime
Posted By: Ray Jordan
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 03:04 AM
He's so tight, he would skin a flea for it's hide and tallow!
He's not worth the powder and lead it would take to kill him.
Posted By: chris_tn
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 03:08 AM
If brains were gun powder he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.
Posted By: grimlin
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 03:26 AM
Colder that a witch's tittie.... In a brass bra doing push-ups in the snow
Posted By: trev
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 03:42 AM
speaking of a not so smart muscle head.......He can lift a ton but can't spell it.
Posted By: Rockin' G Ranch
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 04:26 AM
I can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear.
Posted By: Blunderbuss
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 05:22 AM
You guys love talking about poop.
Posted By: B&B Trapping
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 05:38 AM
Runnin like a cow on green pasture.
Posted By: Nailer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 06:29 AM
I'd drop him faster than a used condom on a dead end dirt road.
When she bent over it looked like two pigs fighting over a milk dud
Posted By: ddavy5401
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 07:00 AM
Tighter than a bulls rear come fly time!!
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 07:03 AM
I'd drop him faster than a used condom on a dead end dirt road.
When she bent over it looked like two pigs fighting over a milk dud
Nailer, given the time of your post - 0230 - I reckon you actually just experienced at least one of these.....LOL.
Posted By: Nailer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 07:17 AM
LOL... Not "Just"... But I think both have happened this time of the night in my younger days
Posted By: Marshrabbit
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 08:35 AM
That's slicker than eel snot
She's a double bagger... you're gonna have to put one over her head, and another over your dog's so he don't laugh at ya
If a bullfrog had wings he wouldn't bump his butt
If wants were wishes, pigs would fly
Grinning like a possum eatin persimmons
He's tighter than turtle p$#@y, and that's waterproof!
Government workers are rarer than virgin prostitutes
Posted By: Old man
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:07 PM
She was so fat, if she ever decided to haul- arse she'd have to make two trips.
Posted By: saquelie
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:34 PM
Can lift a ton but cant spell it Looks like she got beat by an ugly stick fell through an ugly tree an hit every branch
Posted By: seniortrap
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:41 PM
He's so cheap, he squeezes a nickel and makes the buffalo crap!
Posted By: Nailer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 12:50 PM
Meet me in the cornfield honey and I'll kiss you between the ears
Posted By: beachcomber13
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 01:22 PM
He's so tight he can eat coal for breakfast and crap diamonds by dinner.
If I don't see ya through the week, I'll see ya through the window.
Posted By: Scott W. (Iowa)
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 01:24 PM
Colder than a well digger's a$$.
Let's make like a baby and head out.
If that dog bites you he's gonna have to eat pig schit to get the taste out of his mouth.
Posted By: beachcomber13
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 01:25 PM
She's so awesome she can eat two grapes and an apple, then shart you out a fruit salad.
Posted By: Denny Russell
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 01:31 PM
He is so tight, he wouldn't give a nickel to watch a snake ride a bicycle.
Posted By: Diggerman
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 01:39 PM
Even Ray Charles can see there ain't no coon in that tree.
Hotter than a fresh F***ed fox in a forest fire.
Don't know S**t from shinola.
Posted By: Fudd
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 01:45 PM
If ya don't have a strong mind, ya better have a strong back!
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 01:53 PM
I'll be on that...quicker than 2 hobos on a ham sandwich
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 01:54 PM
I'll drop you like a bad transmission
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 02:09 PM
I'll be on that...quicker than 2 hobos on a ham sandwich
Lol.
Like a fat kid on a cupcake.
Posted By: beersNdeers
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 02:11 PM
Ill fold u like a sandwich!
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 02:54 PM
I'll fold you up like a cheap suit.
Posted By: Macthediver
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 03:50 PM
They was so Po couldn't afford the other O or the R.
Hung like a bull at the fair.
Tighter than a knats azz stretched over a rain barrel.
Fell out of the ugly tree hit every branch on the way down.
Loose as a goose.
Dumber than a box of rocks.
Better to be shot at and missed than chit at and hit.
When I first met her. As she walked away her butt looked like to peaches tied in a hanky and swaying in the breeze. Now it looks like two hogs wrasselin under a blanket.
Mac
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 04:04 PM
Man, she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Posted By: Camohoyt340
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 04:06 PM
Meaner than a dog pooping carpet tacks.
Posted By: Daves Decoys
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 04:14 PM
"His elevator don't get out of the basement"
"Uglier than a buck magot in a dead coyote skull"
Dad use to say after pass'n gas: "Boy that works so much better since I got my mud flaps fixed"
Posted By: HeavyD
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 04:22 PM
"Your so dumb your teeth itch"
"I got it covered like a fat lady on a toilet bowl"
"That's like the bull frog calling the catfish a big mouth"
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 04:27 PM
Who's got the signature line "mean as nails?" I don't know how nails can be mean but that's funny right there.
Posted By: Nailer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 04:35 PM
My favorite poker saying after winning a hand,
"Yee doggie! Even a garbage can gets a T-bone every now n then"
Posted By: BRONZEBACK
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 04:42 PM
Hotter than a freshed f'd fox in a forest fire.
Colder than a wiches teat in a brass bra.
Tighter than two coats of paint.
Never understood this one but use/hear it all the time...It might be a Pennsylvania thing:
"________ than Tobey's Azz".
Posted By: Scott W. (Iowa)
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 05:10 PM
Cain't fix stupid.
Posted By: TravC
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 05:58 PM
raining like a cow pizzin on a flat rock
his mama shoulda kept the after birth and thrown his butt out
pretty to him would be bowties on a dogs rear
Posted By: grousehunter
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 06:33 PM
Slower than molasses going up hill in the middle of January.
He's as crooked as a dogs hind leg.
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn inside the barn with a canon.
Posted By: Big Sam
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 07:02 PM
Even a blind hog finds an acorn evey now and then.
Why does somebody always have to poop in the chocolate pudding?
Eagles may soar, but woodchucks dont get sucked through jet engines.
The guys like a hoot owl, the more light you shine on him the less he sees.
Posted By: ponyboy
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 07:17 PM
He aint afraid of hard work,he'll get right up close and watch.
like that one.......
Posted By: ponyboy
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 07:59 PM
He spent most of his money on women, whiskey, and horses...... The rest he just wasted....
Posted By: ponyboy
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 08:04 PM
A true story. A fella said to a young law enforcement officer after being pulled over for speeding. Are you gonna stand there or right that thing. " I was speeding when you couldn't even pizz hard on the ground."
Posted By: v.spradley
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 08:25 PM
That dummy wouldn't know bee crap from honey. Yes sir, I am as serious as pecker cancer.
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 09:07 PM
If brains were gasoline....you wouldn't have enough to put in an ants motorcycle to go half way around a BB.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 09:17 PM
Tight as a coconut in a monkey's butt....
Posted By: Boco
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/19/13 09:20 PM
He's so tight it'd take a 10lb sledge to drive a flax seed up his arse.
How long would that take?About as long as it takes a british bulldog eating french safes to shite a 4 ply radial tire.
Posted By: ponyboy
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 12:05 AM
Grinnin like a mule in a huckleberry patch....
Posted By: pappy t
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 12:15 AM
His butt was puckered so tight you couldn't have drove a hat pin up it with a sledgehammer.
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 12:32 AM
Buddah face.......everything is great ..Buttah Face
Posted By: Nailer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 12:58 AM
If brains were gasoline....you wouldn't have enough to put in an ants motorcycle to go half way around a BB.
Midwest version...If brains were gasoline you wouldn't have enough to fuel a [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot] ants go-cart around a Cherrio.
Posted By: huntfishtrap97
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 02:26 AM
thats as messed up as a football bat
Posted By: bobbercrazy23
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 02:55 AM
Happier then a 2 peckerd billy goat in a pen full off nannies
hungrier thean a gut shot coyote
Posted By: PappyD
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 03:15 AM
Hotter than a fresh f'd fox in a forest fire!
Posted By: MT bowhunter
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 03:23 AM
He's so skinny he as to stand twice in the same place to make a decent shadow.
I'll bounce you so hi they'll have to shoot you to keep you from starving to death.
He's so tight you couldn't pull a needle out of his butt with a tractor.
fat chicks..warm in the winter, shade in the summer.
Posted By: AR DUCK GUIDE
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 03:26 AM
If you told that girl to "haul @ss" she would have to make two trips.
Posted By: AR DUCK GUIDE
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 03:28 AM
Like a midget at a urinal I'm on my toes.
Posted By: Macthediver
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 04:30 AM
So skinny if he turned sideways and hung his tongue out he'd look like a zipper.
I'm so broke if it cost a nickel to chit I'd have to vomit.
Goofier than a coot.
Has a face only a mother could love.
If you want to loose 50lbs of ugly fat? cut you head off!
If he had a brain he'd probably take it out and play with it.
Mac
Posted By: Creature
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 07:00 AM
"Beats looking at the north end of a southbound mule."
Her butt is 2 1/2 axe handles across
"Put his brain in a humming bird, it would suck a mules a.. for a morning glory."
"Like a dose of salts through a widow woman."
"Thicker than the hair on a cats back."
"As full of crap as a Christmas goose on Thanksgiving."
Posted By: LT GREY
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 09:02 AM
ttt
Posted By: charles
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 11:25 AM
If he told you a rooster could pull a freight train, you had better hook him up.
Posted By: AR DUCK GUIDE
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 11:39 AM
Harder than a preachers prick in a calves @ss.
Posted By: jeremy brua
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 11:48 AM
I have seen monkey crap fights in the zoo more organized!
Posted By: wills12pt
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 11:55 AM
He is slower than pond water.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 12:33 PM
When faced with a decision where both choices are less than desireable.
It's like having a shark in one hand and an alligator in the other - they both gonna bite.
Posted By: On a Call
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 12:35 PM
Champagne tastes on a beer budget.
Posted By: FEEB
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 12:35 PM
SLOWER THAN A BUS LOAD OF OLD WOMEN HEADED TO A BINGO GAME.
FITS LIKE A FIST IN THE A--.
IF YA PLANT CORN YA GET CORN.
THAT MUST'VE SCATTERED HIS CHICKENS.
WASN'T SLEEPING, JUST CHECKING MY EYE LIDS FOR CRACKS.
THAT BOY COULD WELD THE CRACK OF DAWN.
FEEL LIKE I JUST WALKED ON A PORN SET, TOTALLY UNDER GUNNED.
HE'S THE SMARTEST GUY ON THE SHORT BUS.
Posted By: QuackerSmacker
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 01:13 PM
Some people would complain if you hung them with a new rope.
Posted By: Macthediver
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 01:37 PM
You'll never drown if you were meant to Hang!
Mac
Posted By: Leftlane
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 01:55 PM
I am tough as a nail and almost as useful.
& one of my favorites:
If that girl was haulin' [butt] she would have to make 2 trips!
Posted By: AR DUCK GUIDE
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 02:17 PM
Funner than stomping baby chickens.
Hung like a stud field mouse.
Get more @ss than a toilet seat.
Posted By: Macthediver
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 02:40 PM
Not worth the powder it would take to blow him to [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot]
Mac
Posted By: Old man
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 02:58 PM
Do farts have lumps? If not, I got a problem.
Posted By: Vinke
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 03:20 PM
so old he farts dust,,,,,,,,
Posted By: cathryn
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 03:31 PM
Shoot(censsored) fire and save the matches.. Granny used to say it all the time
Posted By: Gun Nut
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 03:36 PM
(Impossible task) you can't polish a turd.
(smart aleck response) actually you can, but it still looks like sh*t.
Gun Nut
Posted By: jbell
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 03:41 PM
Stands out like a new turd in the fog
Posted By: LeroyM
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 04:17 PM
Stronger than two men and a boy and tough as nails.
Posted By: cathryn
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 04:22 PM
Cute as a bugs ear
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Deader than a doornail
Posted By: LeroyM
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 04:23 PM
Last longer than dayquil in a drunks medicine cabinet.
Posted By: JohnL
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 04:31 PM
he's as tight as a crabs butt and thats waterproff
Posted By: bigpuddin43
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 04:36 PM
look at the turd cutter on that one.
he couldnt hit the ground with his hat with 3 throws.
I would be all over that like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat.
Posted By: vapredator
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 04:51 PM
When I go home to visit my folks in Oregon my dad always says to me if its raining (which is pretty much always), "Thats not rain its liquid sunshine"
Posted By: JustinBartling
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 05:04 PM
slicker than snot on a doorknob
looser than a $2 hooker
Posted By: Old man
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 05:15 PM
This thread started out about the funny sayings from a West Virginia Marine.
I worked with a guy from Kentucky who would use a lot of expressions that I had never heard and I sorta collected them too.
I remember he would refer to a length of pipe as a "stalk" of pipe and connectors and couplings as "end- fittin's and middle-fittin's".
I also remember that if someone would ask him how soon he'd be done with a project he'd reply, "I'm all done cept' for the finishing' up." (You never knew exactly how long THAT was gonna take)
If you asked if he had seen a fellow worker, he would probably say " Its not my day to watch him."
The days just always seemed to go faster when ever I would work with Don.
Posted By: trapperwv
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 05:16 PM
I was doing that when you was sh$tting yellow !
It will fell better when it quits hurtun ! My luck is so bad I could fall in a barrels of tittys and come out sucking my thumb !!!
Posted By: trapperwv
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/20/13 05:21 PM
One more ! I take my wife with me everywhere so I dont have to kiss her goodbye !!
Posted By: twitch hook
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 12:05 AM
so poor i can't pay attention
so broke i gotta steal water to cry with
slicker than snot on a raincoat
slicker than deer guts on a pump handle
grinnin like a possum eatin bumblebees
Posted By: jeremy brua
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 12:17 AM
Dryer than a popcorn fart!
Posted By: Hillbillybear
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 12:22 AM
He's so windy he could blow up a onion sack.
When the good lord passed out azz's she thought he said grasses and said give me 40 acres.
Posted By: Muddy Boots
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 02:38 AM
"if it'll rust it'll cut the SH** out of ya" ........ refering to pocket knives that aren't stainless
Posted By: Boco
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 02:47 AM
Guys used to say about Paul Millettes Beaver skinning knives: Pauls Knives are so sharp your eyes will start to bleed if you look at them.
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 02:55 AM
It hotter than a henhouse
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 10:17 AM
Of bad breath.....smells like he's got a turd dancing on his tongue.
Posted By: Leftlane
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 12:33 PM
A man who doesn't like to spend money is "tighter than a bulls [butt] at fly time."
Posted By: cathryn
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 01:52 PM
Colder than a witches......
Posted By: Derek Delaney
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 02:00 PM
That would go over like a pregnant lady poll vaulting!
That would go over like a Turd in a punch bowl!
That would go over like a lead balloon!
Posted By: Gittr Dunn
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 02:14 PM
He's so broke he couldn't pay a dime to watch a p'ss ant swoller a hay bale.
If you put his brain in a woodpecker, it would fly backwards.
I've been busier than a 1 eyed man in a t'tty bar.
Posted By: Gittr Dunn
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 02:41 PM
It's so dry, I caught 2 catfish and had to throw'em back cause they were covered in ticks.
Got so drunk, I was taking back stuff I didn't even steal.
I've seen better looking heads in a cabbage patch.
The 3rd grade was the 3 best years of my life.
Got so drunk, I woke up at my house.
She was squeakin like a cat squirrel chewing on a door knob.
Posted By: Kansas Treerat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 03:18 PM
I'll whomp funk knots on your mellon faster than you can rub em...
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 03:48 PM
I'll whomp funk knots on your mellon faster than you can rub em...
I don't know what a funk knot is, Tree rat, but I bet child social services was on the brink of kidnapping you when you were a kid.....lol. Nevermind.....I just had a flashback....I remember what a funk knot is...
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 03:50 PM
I'll whomp funk knots on your mellon faster than you can rub em...
Come to think of it.......Dad? You didn't tell me you had an account on here....and mom thinks you're at work!
Posted By: ponyboy
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 04:12 PM
I'd be on that like Matt Jones on a fried bologna sandwich.
Posted By: Warmutt
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 07:40 PM
Well, she ain't much to look at, but she don't sweat much for a fat girl.
Ain't he bragging like he's the world's tallest midget.
Any old mule can fart on the first furrow. Takes a heck of a mule to keep on farting till the last furrow's turned.
Looks like two monkeys fornicating a football.
You can tell he's lying. His lips are moving.
This food ain't bad if don't mind the taste.
Posted By: Okiecntry
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 07:53 PM
That gal looked pretty good until she smiled and I saw her summer teeth. Sum'er missing and sum'er still there.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/21/13 08:03 PM
That gal looked pretty good until she smiled and I saw her summer teeth. Sum'er missing and sum'er still there.
Sum'r in her pocket.....
Ever meet someone who has the zacklies? When their breath smells zackly like their butt does.
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 01:04 AM
Boy, i'll pop a knot on yo head, then pop ya for being a knot head!!
Posted By: kansaskoons
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 01:22 AM
Nuttier than a peach orchard boar
ole (someones name) sittin on a fence, tryin to make a dollar outa fifteen cents
colder than a well diggers rear
they call me "polio" the crippler
Thanks, I'll dance at your third wedding naked in a hogs trough
I got buggers in my nose and dirt between my toes, I'm a country boy
look at her go, looks like two bear cubs fightin in a gunny sack!
speak to me talk to me come on now
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 01:22 AM
Yep ..thats like a sore dik ....you can't beat it ..
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 01:24 AM
After a big fart.....speak O'L Toothless wonder !!!!!
Posted By: BRONZEBACK
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 02:10 AM
That's where the pigeons fly upside down cuz there's nothing worth poopin' on!!!
Posted By: OHcoonskinner
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 02:12 AM
Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
Posted By: Hat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 03:16 AM
Too broke to pay attention!!
Posted By: BRONZEBACK
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 03:21 AM
"It doesn't cost anything to pay attention"....What my friend told my other friend when he blew up his boat motor cuz he forgot to fill the oil tank...The funny part is that there were two gallons of oil in the boat!!!
Posted By: MT bowhunter
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 03:42 AM
It's so hot I just saw a coyote chasin' a rabbit and they were both walking.
Posted By: brewski
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 04:09 AM
torn up like a snake in a weed eater.
Posted By: Nelly
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 07:14 PM
This is one that my mother uses when someone is blessed (or cursed)with an over abundance of something.
He has more (of the item in question)than Carter has little liver pills.
Posted By: kansaskoons
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 09:13 PM
Kiss me ole toothless one!
blind in one eye and cant see out of the other
Posted By: keets
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 09:34 PM
I don't know about you boys, but I'm hungry enuf to eat the ***hole out of a dead skunk
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 09:43 PM
Hungry as a hostage!
Starvin like a runaway slave!
Posted By: jstetter83
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 09:47 PM
After a Fart: Say again lieutenant?
Posted By: Rathahunt
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 09:49 PM
shakin like a fat hooker on a cold nite
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 09:59 PM
After a Fart: Say again lieutenant?
Lmao. Keep talkin, sir, we'll find ya!
Posted By: tony270
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 10:01 PM
Too much for me to read so if anybody posted this excuse me:
1) He's as hard as woodpecker lips.
2) You don't think I can do it, heck I can make a chicken grow lips.
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 10:10 PM
I wouldn't take you to a dog fight, if you was defending champion.
Posted By: K. Sampson
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/22/13 10:54 PM
Gotta go, have a turd licking my underwear. (brother made that one up)
My credit's so bad they won't accept my cash.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/24/13 10:57 AM
You look like 200 lbs of krap in a 5 lb sack.
Posted By: Macthediver
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/24/13 12:02 PM
If your not the lead dog your view never changes.
Mac
Posted By: Macthediver
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/24/13 12:04 PM
Looks like Crap,Smells like Crap, Taste like Crap! it's probably Crap!
Mac
Posted By: bulldozerjoe
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/24/13 01:10 PM
I always tell my girlfriend......... You want to fly with the eagles and your stuck with a turkey..... gobble gobble
Posted By: jst
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/24/13 02:27 PM
My fav from Newfoundland;
Stay where you're at till I comes where ya're to
Posted By: Thirdwind
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/24/13 03:55 PM
My fav from Newfoundland;
Stay where you're at till I comes where ya're to
Newfie here, i use this quite a bit.
also use "the arse is gone right out of her" or as we say it, da arse is gone right outta er
Shes gone bys, shes gone.
where you longs to
arse foremost
I was told this as a kid while picking blueberries by my grandfather, "Don't pick the red ones, theyre green" figure that out...
Posted By: beaverpeeler
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/24/13 04:31 PM
And of course from Oklahoma comes this gem: "Careful, your mouth is writing a check your arse can't cash".
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/24/13 04:48 PM
I can't believe I forgot this one.
While in Iraq, I think it was 2005. I heard a Captain say about a woman....
"She's so hot I'd crawl through 8 miles of mud to hear her fart over a field phone!"
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/26/13 02:30 AM
I'm so hungry my stomach is gnawing on my spine.
Posted By: Thirdwind
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/26/13 03:23 AM
more meat on good friday
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/27/13 09:43 PM
Hold my beer.......watch this.
Posted By: MnMan
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/27/13 11:12 PM
Good stuff.....I ain't laughed so hard since the pigs ate my little brother.
Posted By: G-Trapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/31/13 01:38 AM
he,s as use less as a rubber beak on a wood pecker.
Posted By: Macthediver
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 05/31/13 02:06 PM
Better to be shot at and missed, than chit at and hit!
Mac
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 06/26/13 02:03 AM
I'm so hungry my stomach thinks my throat was cut.
Posted By: bass10
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 06/26/13 02:15 AM
I'm not racist I got four black tires and a color tv!
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 01:39 PM
Jumped like a cat on a hot skillet.
Posted By: Darwin
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 01:46 PM
Busier than a cat covering up crap!
Locked up tighter than a bull's backside!
Posted By: BIRDOGS
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 01:50 PM
"where there's hair, there's stink".... still my fav......
Posted By: SteveP
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 04:11 PM
Sexier than socks on a rooster.
My boss used to always tell the floor supervisors this when we were in the middle of fixing something and they ask if we could hurry so they could make their quota.... "I've got 2 speeds, this one and go take a break... youu wanna see my other one?"
Grandpa used to say this when someone ask him how he was doing. "I woke up breathing this moring, guess I'm doing better than someone."
Steve
Posted By: 1cav
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 04:26 PM
Smarter then a 2 lb pig
Posted By: Paul S
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 04:30 PM
"Tighter than a gnat's butt stretched over a wash tub"
Posted By: charles
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 04:52 PM
All hat and no cattle.
If I tell you a rooster can pull a freight train, you hook him up.
Posted By: charles
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 05:08 PM
The road to H_ll was paved with good intentions.
Posted By: Fisher Man
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 05:22 PM
Flatter than a platter of [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot].
Posted By: swift4me
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 05:28 PM
I'm so old I don't buy green bananas
First time I heard that joke I kicked the slats out of my cradle.
and a French one... He farts higher than his butt.
Posted By: Johnnyrazorhead
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 05:30 PM
Don't let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird butt.
Posted By: RJCooper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 05:36 PM
Boy, I can smack a knot on your head a calf could suck.
Posted By: Hupurest
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 06:19 PM
USMC's wife told me when they make whoopie he has to be on the bottom, cause all he can do is screw up.
Posted By: Arkiefur
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 06:43 PM
He's knee-walking drunk
He's drunker than a boiled owl
Shining like a diamond in a goat's azz.
Prettier than a speckled pup.
weaker than a fart in a whirlwind.
Posted By: Nothin2prove
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 07:13 PM
That girl is Finer than frogs hair
That price is higher than Giraffe p****
Telling some see later" keep your gown down"
Posted By: swampwoodsman
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 08:20 PM
Happier then a woodpecker in a lumber yard.
Colder then aunt Lucys pump handle.
Fits like a saddle on a sow.
Posted By: Possumslayer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 08:43 PM
Crazier than a 3 peckered billy goat.
Handier than a pocket on a shirt.
Handier than a hole in your pocket.
Beat him like a rented mule.
It's like putting a 100 dollar saddle on a 10 dollar horse.
Like putting lipstick on a pig.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 08:52 PM
USMC's wife told me when they make whoopie he has to be on the bottom, cause all he can do is screw up.
How'd you get her number!?!? I told her not to give away my secrets!
Posted By: bentbarrel
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 10:02 PM
The dog would've caught the rabbit IF he hadn't stopped to schit
Posted By: Paul Antczak
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 10:22 PM
I didnt read them all but "Busier than a cat in a litter box"
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 10:43 PM
Colder than an old hooker's heart.
I'm just a man with two shoes.
Faster than a prom dress comes off.
Posted By: howlNmad
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/09/13 10:49 PM
tighter than a snakes arse crossin a salt mine
Posted By: Fisher Man
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/13 12:26 AM
Life's too short to dance with ugly women!
Posted By: Jordan Noyes
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/13 12:51 AM
I'm so hungry I could eat a child with chickenpox.
I haven't been so happy since the hogs ate my brother.
My great-granpa had quite a few good ones!
Posted By: Jason Dufresne
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/13 01:15 AM
Slower than molasses on a January day
You go any slower you're gonna lap yourself
Colder than a witch's t1t in December
Strong like bull smart like tractor
Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast?
Posted By: bawplank
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/13 01:23 AM
hes as disappointed as billy ray cyrus
slower then a cat covering crap in the Klondike.
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/13 01:24 AM
*pats fat belly***
fuller than a tick on a hound dog..
Posted By: KS skunkman
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/13 02:05 AM
She's so ugly she would make a freight train take a dirt road.
Posted By: Team X-Z
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/13 02:08 AM
Handy as a screen door in a submarine.
He's got for brain's that a worm has for eyebrows.
You can shear a sheep, but you can only skin him once.
Posted By: alans
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/13 02:11 AM
Never argue with an idiot, people watching can't tell which one is which.
Posted By: alans
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/13 02:12 AM
Live is to short to dance with ugly women.
Posted By: nramemb
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/13 02:41 AM
Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
it snowed azz deep tp big tall Indian.
grandpa would fart and say "catch that and paint it red"
Posted By: HimWill
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/13 02:49 AM
He's got enough money to burn up a wet mule.
Go suck-start a 747
Suck the chrome off a trailer ball
Posted By: Possumslayer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/13 04:54 AM
Life's too short to dance with ugly women!
That's my signature.
Posted By: R.I.P Gator
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 02:36 AM
If dynamite was brains you couldn't blow your nose.
Posted By: larry king
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 01:21 PM
my brother was so ugly, mommy would borrow the neighbors baby when she went too town
Posted By: larry king
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 01:22 PM
so poor we had to whack the dog off to feed the cat..
Posted By: Old man
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 01:32 PM
She's even blonder than she looks.
Posted By: Sniperone
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 01:32 PM
"You would have better luck trying to f@#K a bobcat in a phone booth then mess with me"!
Posted By: PappyD
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 04:06 PM
She looks like she was set on fire and put out with a pitchfork!
Posted By: wayne52
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 04:18 PM
ya go to [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot] for lying the same as you do for stealing
Posted By: wayne52
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 04:23 PM
thats so good it will make you slap your pappy.and pappy said boy you better not have some
Posted By: larry sable guy
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 05:07 PM
Hotter than two dikes doing 69 in a 55
Posted By: k9krusader
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 05:44 PM
I didn't read them all but heres mine busier than a one armed paper hanger working like a Hebrew slave and one of my favorites if she had as many di%ks sticking out of her as she,s had stuck in her shed be a porcupine
Posted By: sigpros
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 05:55 PM
Colder than a well diggers bhole in February.
Hotter than a fresh f'd fox in a Forrest fire
Posted By: CuttnRun
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 06:05 PM
"Why don't you go drink you a big 'ol glass of shut the f... up."
"Colder than a mother-in-laws kiss"
(Confused or stupid) "He don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his a$$ ."
Posted By: wacotrapr
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 06:29 PM
that babys so ugly its momma set it on the corner and fed it with a slingshot..
Posted By: bigpuddin43
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 06:31 PM
He was all over that like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat
Posted By: wacotrapr
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 06:34 PM
that winds blowing like your aunt betsy in the back seat of the school bus,,,my uncle really said that lol
Posted By: wacotrapr
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 06:36 PM
she so ugly her momma had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her
Posted By: wacotrapr
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 06:40 PM
that peace of woods so hard a cat couldnt scratch it!
Posted By: wacotrapr
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 06:41 PM
it snowed deeper than a 6ft indian standing on a fence post
Posted By: wacotrapr
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 06:46 PM
i swear he was blacker than coal sut
Posted By: Kirk
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 06:47 PM
Dumber than a box of rocks
couldnt hit the side of barn from the inside with the door closed
They are some scared you couldnt melt and throw them on it
Why dont you go to the store and buy your self some bussiness so you can stay out of mine
Posted By: wacotrapr
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 06:51 PM
lol my dad use to say that second one Kirk..
its hotter than a three peckered billy goat in here
Posted By: vahowler
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 07:28 PM
He's as lost as last years easter egg
He's as useless as teets on a boar hog
Posted By: Ridge Runner1960
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 07:36 PM
he's so dumb, he couldn't yell ya whether Christ was crucified or shot in the @$$ with a B-B gun
can't tell $hit from applebutter
so ugly if she pulled her teeth she could go trick-or-treating as an arsehole
so ugly she would scare the dark outta the closet
beauty may be skin deep, ugly goes all the way to the bone
her butt is so big we tattooed "goodyear" on it and flew her all around Daytona beach during bike week
RR
Posted By: HMTrapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 09:53 PM
feelin like a one legged man in a butt kickin contest
Posted By: Boco
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 11:42 PM
She's got hair where people dont even have skin.
That guy would bang a snake if someone would dig a hole for his nuts.
Posted By: Sparks
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 11:47 PM
hotter n a 2 dollar pistol
Posted By: Sparks
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 11:48 PM
hotter than a half F***** fox in a forest fire
Dumber than a sack o wet hammers
Posted By: coondagger2
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 11:54 PM
Brick layin's an art! Some art not to be doin it!!
Posted By: coondagger2
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/12/13 11:56 PM
Forgot a good one! That CHEVY can't pull a golfball out of a waterhose!
Posted By: furslinger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 12:35 AM
A favorite of mine
Face was redder than a possums arse in pokeberry season
Posted By: 8675309
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 12:42 AM
my hemmeroids itch so bad I could scratch them wit 2 hands full of fish hooks
Posted By: G-Trapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 01:01 AM
crazy as a chit house rat.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 01:45 AM
I never thought this thing would go 17 pages. Holy smokes...I gotta print these out. No, not "pimp" them out...print...
Posted By: whyskers
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 01:47 AM
push the button run like heck,,, no one see's no one tells.
Posted By: ybpoachin
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 01:51 AM
I'm pretty sure he's gay, or at least French.
Posted By: ybpoachin
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 02:19 AM
He's tighter than a bulls bung during fly season
I might be too old to deliver the mail but I can still lick the stamp!
Posted By: ybpoachin
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 02:34 AM
If the dog wouldn't have stopped to take a chit he'd have caught the rabbit.
Posted By: ybpoachin
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 02:43 AM
He's so skinny that kids in Africa send him money for food.
Posted By: bawplank
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 02:52 AM
hes so cheap he reuses binder twine
Posted By: dabprod
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 06:49 AM
Hot enough to knock up sheep.
That salesman could talk a starving dog off a meat truck
So broke that if it cost five dollars to go around the world, I couldn't get out of sight.
My dog can run faster through the briars than a dose of salts through a fat lady.
Don't let your gator mouth overload your humming bird a$$.
Dryer than a pop corn fart.
He was so tall he could go duck hunting with a rake.
Posted By: longear
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 01:44 PM
"funnier than midgets running track"
Posted By: CuttnRun
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 02:12 PM
"He's so stupid he couldn't find his a$$ with both hands."
"You don't know F*** all"
Posted By: charles
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 02:24 PM
So black a piece of coal would make a white mark on it.
Posted By: Hawg Daddy
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 04:40 PM
If I say a chicken has lips then pucker up.
Posted By: Roll Tide
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 06:56 PM
He's about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
That stinks so bad it could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
He was happier than a tornado in a trailer park.
He's slower than molasses going uphill in January.
She was busier than a one-eyed cat watching two rat holes.
It's colder than a cast iron outhouse on Christmas day.
Posted By: Ridge Runner1960
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 10:14 PM
slicker than 2 eels f'n in a bucket of snot
dumber in the head than a hog is in the arse
kicks like a 2 dollar mule
runs his mouth like a bell clapper in a goose's arse
talks so much she could blow up an onion bag
RR
Posted By: wildfowler
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/13/13 11:14 PM
it ain't worth two dead fies
Posted By: Abu65
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/14/13 02:58 AM
Crazier than a run over dog
Posted By: L.C.
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/14/13 01:32 PM
The wind is blowin harder than a bus load of queers outside
As worthless as tits on a boar
If my aunt had nuts she'd be my uncle
You couldn't catch crabs in a back alley whorehouse
Posted By: L.C.
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/14/13 01:36 PM
He's as lazy as a butchers dog
I'm happier than a queer in boys town
Posted By: rawcalls
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/14/13 02:02 PM
"Having sex at my age is like trying to poke a squirrel out of a tree with a rope" or "having sex at my age is like trying to shoot pool with a rope". I believe both of these quotes came from the late George Burns.
Posted By: Roll Tide
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/14/13 03:20 PM
I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.
He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.
Posted By: Rookie74429
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/14/13 04:45 PM
That's as messed up as Obamas check book!
Posted By: Meatstick
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/14/13 06:22 PM
He aint worth a pinch of CHIT.
Can't swing a dead cat around without hittin a __________.
Nuttier than a squirrel turd.
He couldn't pour "urine" out of a boot with the directions on the heel.
Uglier than a hunk of homemade soap.
Posted By: GlutenBoy
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/14/13 07:38 PM
Going along at the speed of smell!
Posted By: MO Longliner
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/14/13 09:25 PM
These have probably already been said but I don't have time to read through all 17.5 pages.
If your aunt had balls, she'd be your uncle.
Busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest.
Posted By: GlutenBoy
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 02:02 AM
So skinny he looks like a 2x4 with nipples.
Posted By: On a Call
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 02:18 AM
He might be skinny but....
He aint As Busy as a one armed paper hanger......
Posted By: Roll Tide
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 04:03 AM
He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
He who laughs last probably doesn’t understand the joke.
If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!
Posted By: newears
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 12:56 PM
Dealing with Obama is like trying to shave a squealing little piglet--- Putin
Posted By: Wahusker
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 01:22 PM
If it's a smokin, it's a cookin'. When it's black it's done! (Unfortunately, that's how my dad believed steak should be cooked!:( )
It's so dry the grasshoppers refuse to spit.
Are you going to fish or just cut bait?
Posted By: Ridge Runner1960
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 04:33 PM
so skinny ya could use them to witch water with
skinny enough to lay in the shade of a clothesline
so skinny ya couldn't hit her with a handful of corn
so poor ya hafta pour muddy water in their arse to keep from seein through them
don't get me started on fat quips!
RR
Posted By: WyYoteKiller
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 04:42 PM
Ugly as a mud rail fence
Shes so fat that when she square dances the band skips
Shes so fat that when they pierced her ears gravy came out
Ugly enough to make a coal train take a dirt road
Got a arse on her that looks like 2 puppys fightin in a flour sack
Should I keep going?
Posted By: On a Call
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 05:00 PM
I like the band one...gotta remember that one.
Posted By: cripple trapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 05:05 PM
you would have better luck trying to jac- --f a bobcat in a telephone booth then messing with me
Posted By: WyYoteKiller
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 05:06 PM
Stand a better chance gettin a flamin red hot poker up a greased wildcat's arse than.....
Posted By: Meatstick
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 05:54 PM
It's so dry, I caught a catfish with a tick on it.
Posted By: Meatstick
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 05:55 PM
I'd rather dig a rusty fish hook outta my eye.
Posted By: newears
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 10:47 PM
I ca't hep it, ah ain't had no fetchin up.
Posted By: AEMcClain
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/15/13 10:53 PM
Son, never saddle a dead horse.
Posted By: Roll Tide
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/16/13 01:51 AM
Tryin to get him to understand is like tryin to nail jelly to a tree.
Posted By: newears
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/16/13 02:19 PM
If it will take a shine, shine it, if it will hold and edge sharpen it.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/13/13 11:19 AM
That'll wake you up like peeing on an electric fence
Posted By: alans
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/13/13 01:29 PM
Life's to short to dance with ugly women.
Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Posted By: GrizzGetterrrr
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/13/13 01:35 PM
Its hotter in here than a H@$R in a church
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/11/14 02:07 PM
Longer than a dead snake.
Posted By: AdamBomb
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/11/14 02:18 PM
I've been to two state fairs and a goat f$ck and ain't never seen nothin like that.
Posted By: Cleosdad
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/11/14 02:37 PM
When they said brains he thought they siad trains and he went to meet his
Posted By: watermann2
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/11/14 02:40 PM
takes one to know one [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot] .
Posted By: Law Dog
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/11/14 02:55 PM
Like to buy him for what I think he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth!
Posted By: AdamBomb
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/11/14 03:03 PM
My credits so bad the banker wouldn't let me borrow his pen.
Posted By: Oleo Acres
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/11/14 04:11 PM
my grandad about a fight with a boxer-he hit me so fast,i didn't know where to scratch first.then he bear hugged him and squeezed until he passed out.
Posted By: branmun
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/13/14 12:55 AM
He's as windy as a sack full of bum holes
Posted By: patfundine
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/13/14 01:15 AM
that guy is like a fart in a mitten, he's everywhere at once
Posted By: Bigmeat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/13/14 01:28 AM
Boxed in like a turtles pecker
Posted By: trapper les
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/13/14 01:46 AM
takes a mighty big dog to pee in a rainbarrel
Posted By: doug2000
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/13/14 01:58 AM
that boy is dumber than a sack full of hammers
Posted By: KatKrazy
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/13/14 02:05 AM
That guy couldn't count his balls and come up with the same number twice!
Posted By: N3F
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/13/14 02:08 AM
He's as tight as a buzzards @ss in a power dive!
Posted By: KatKrazy
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/13/14 02:09 AM
She's big enough to burn diesel
He's so old, he knew the Dead Sea when it was only sick
Posted By: stevec123
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/13/14 02:09 AM
I like that almost as much as a 'possum likes a pick handle!
Steve
Posted By: Possumslayer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/13/14 09:22 AM
Handier than a hole in your pocket!
Wish in one hand and poop in the other, see which one fills up first!
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/23/14 12:39 PM
Hotter than donut grease.
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/23/14 12:43 PM
Hold the phone!
You're purdier than a speckled pup in a red wagon
Fuller than a tick in summertime
You're slower than molassas
Oh,John Brown!
Posted By: Tim trapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/23/14 12:52 PM
Funner than kicking a dog
Tim B
Posted By: yodeldog101
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/23/14 12:57 PM
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy
Posted By: old rat trapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/23/14 01:08 PM
chicken one day and feathers the next, sometimes you get the bear and sometimes the bear gets you
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/24/15 11:29 PM
If it don't challenge ya, it won't change ya.
Posted By: Wolfdog91
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/24/15 11:43 PM
I'll mess you up worse than a possum humpin a lizard !
Posted By: TennTomTrapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/24/15 11:44 PM
"That thing's so wore out you can throw a cat through it!!"
"That tree's got so many nuts on it a family of squirrels couldn't shell'em all!!"
"Quit complaining.....just throw it in the truck!!"
"Don't worry 'bout that mudhole just go!! I put a NEW set of Buckshot Mudders on her last week!!"
"SHOOT!!!! One of us needs relief!!"
...........y'all are just getting me started!!
Posted By: Wolfdog91
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/24/15 11:44 PM
I'll mess you up worse than a possum humpin a lizard !
Posted By: TennTomTrapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/24/15 11:59 PM
...."You show me a 3-year old running around a flea-market in his diaper sucking Coca-Cola out a of baby bottle and I'll show you a future Nascar fan!!"...........
Posted By: stinkypete
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 12:01 AM
he couldnt hit a cows $$$ with a hand full of rocks at 10 yrds
colder than a well diggers $$$
slower than methusila
looks like joe jack the rag mans work
sharp as a marble
dumber than dirt
dumber than a box of rocks
and the aunt dotty special that tastes so good makes you want to slap your mama
Posted By: TennTomTrapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 12:12 AM
......"That boy is sharp as a sack of wet mice!!".....
......"That dog is slicker than wet liver!!"..........
Posted By: bic
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 12:16 AM
Sweating like a pregnant Nun going to confession.
Posted By: TennTomTrapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 12:27 AM
........."Y'all gonna eat all of that??"......
......."Your sister sure can milk a cow good!!"......
......."How many chickens will it take to clean that up??"......
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 12:53 AM
Slicker n goose poop in a tin horn.
Posted By: Ridge Runner1960
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 01:11 AM
ain't had this much excitement since grandma got her teet caught in the washing machine wringer
haven't had this much fun since the old sow ate my kid brother
women! if you know one a little bit, you know them all pretty good
he can't tell sheet from apple butter unless he tastes them both
RR
Posted By: Zim
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 01:28 AM
Can't believe I sat here and read the whole 10 pages of this.
I feel a lot more like I do now than I did when I first got here.
Zim
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 01:32 AM
Handier than a hole in your pocket!
Wish in one hand and poop in the other, see which one fills up first!
Dont know how many times I have heard the 2nf one
Posted By: gjmuller
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 01:36 AM
Hotter than Michael Jackson at a cub scout convention.
Sweating like Mike Tyson taking the SAT's
Shaking like a dog poopin peach pits
Hotter than a raped ape
Posted By: Ridge Runner1960
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 01:37 AM
Boy! have all the fun you can have when you can, cause once your dead your gonna be dead for a long time (courtesy of my grandma's brother, Uncle Jack)
RR
Posted By: gjmuller
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 01:40 AM
Confused as a woodpecker in a petrified forest.
Posted By: cyacoyote
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 02:02 AM
is a bear catholic?
does the pope crap in the woods?
so wrong it'd make the pope cuss!
Posted By: FoxTrap223
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 02:04 AM
My father's favorite saying was "life's tough better get used to it and stop fussing"
Posted By: Wallace
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 02:16 AM
"I believe his cheese has done slid off his cracker"
"I believe he's done out run his punt coverage"
Posted By: super cub
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 02:58 AM
Necked as a hand saw
As full of crap as a 20 pound robin
Ugly as home made soap
Crazy as an out house rat
as full of crap as a teddy bear is saw dust
Posted By: Boco
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 03:22 AM
They don't make a ruler small enough to show how much I like that.
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 04:36 AM
I'd like to buy you for what you're worth then sell you for what you think you're worth
It's hotter in here than two hampsters doing it in a wool sock
Posted By: Nailer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 07:23 AM
If your brains were gasoline you wouldn't have enough to power a p*ss ants gocart 2 laps around a Cheerio..
I'm sorry, did that hurt? I thought you knew.
He's so dumb he got locked out of his own sweatshirt!
Posted By: Range
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 11:38 AM
It aint smart to build fence if you dont know your backside from a hole in the ground.
Posted By: Macthediver
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 12:03 PM
Better to be shot at and missed, Then chit at and hit!
Mac
Posted By: dugit
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 12:17 PM
Powder and paint (to much make-up on a woman) makes a homely woman what she ain't
Posted By: NE Wildlife
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 12:21 PM
I'm more (This word is unacceptable on Trapperman)ed off then a midget in a fart sack
Posted By: NE Wildlife
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 12:23 PM
Your breath smells like an old lady fart passing
Through an onion.
Posted By: madcotrappwr
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 12:24 PM
If I take a swing at you and miss, you'll still get pneumonia from the wind.
I'll stab ya 3 ways. Deep, wide, and frequently.
Posted By: merganser
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 12:39 PM
Doing a good job is like pissin' in your waders, gives you a warm feeling all over, but no one notices!
Sweating like a pig under water.
Slicker than deer guts on a door knob.
Posted By: lee steinmeyer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 01:12 PM
And my personal favorite.....?I'm so hungry, I could eat the north end of a southbound skunk.
Can't believe I read 21 pages of these, and no one used that one!
Posted By: tomahawker
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 01:13 PM
I think this thread needs shut down. But, the cows are done out, no reason to shut the gate.
Posted By: Macthediver
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 01:13 PM
When some one would talk to much my grand ma would say.
"They rattled like an empty cart."
My old man would say.
"Mouth was going like a Whiporwills arsehole!"
All I know is it takes a big dog to weigh a ton...
Mac
Posted By: Ridge Runner1960
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 01:38 PM
the difference between him and a bucket of poop, is the bucket
RR
Posted By: Bosco
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 03:07 PM
1.The best part of him is stuck to a popcorn napkin at the drive in theater 2. Its better to keep your mouth shut and let everybody think your stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.3. we call him blister , shows up when the works done,.4.I'd walk through 5 miles of mine field with snowshoes on just to hear her fart on a land line... if she'd show me where it came from.5. that was like walkin across 5miles of tit barefoot. 6. shes so skinny she could lie in the shade of a cloths line...couldnt hit her with a handfull of corn,kinda like huggin my brother, not quite like fried eggs,more like a couple slabs of bologna with grease fittins.7. youd have better luck jerkin off a mountain lion with sand paper than messin with me.
Posted By: Bosco
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/25/15 03:27 PM
mistakes are stepping stones to failure .I could swing a dead cat and hit 3 of em better than yours, thats as wrong as 2 boys F---ing.sex with a fat chick is like riding a moped.. fun till someone sees ya doin it.
Posted By: bfflobo
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/27/15 04:43 AM
Bring me a steak the size of mule lips, from the ears down.
Butt deep to a tall indian
Posted By: Nailer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/27/15 07:27 AM
I got a buddy so cheap he'd take a bucket of chit if the handle was good..
Posted By: dugit
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/27/15 08:18 AM
For a person that talks too much, "They were vaccinated with a phonograph needle".
Posted By: Hern
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/27/15 11:16 AM
Wife, after one too many...
"I'm pickled tink."
"Take me drunk, I'm home."
Posted By: Tuner
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/27/15 11:28 AM
Me-"You think that'll work?"
Grandad-"Is a bullfrog waterproof?"
Posted By: madcotrappwr
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/27/15 12:09 PM
Posted By: Trapper7
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/27/15 03:53 PM
More helpless than a one-legged man in a butt-kickin contest.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
A will is a dead give away.
There was this guy whose entire left side was cut off. He's all right now.
Posted By: scarhead
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 04/27/15 04:28 PM
I'm happy as a puppy with two peters.
Grandpa used to say if this house is a rockin, get in the storm cellar.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 01:41 AM
Low as a crippled crickett's arse.
Posted By: trapper les
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 01:46 AM
It takes a tall dog to pee in a rainbarrel
Posted By: Wanderin Trapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 03:15 AM
When my boss wants more than a reasonable amount of work done in a day i tell him "yer tryin to fit 10 pounds of crap in a 5 pound sack"
Posted By: critter cuffer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 03:36 AM
Ah, It'll buff out
Posted By: Willynilly
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 03:40 AM
Colder than a well diggers arse in march.
Posted By: critter cuffer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 03:46 AM
You got a brain the size of a pebble and its as smart as his ancestor.
Posted By: crow1971
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 03:56 AM
Slicker than owl chit, or snail snot. Finer than the hairs on a frogs butt. Funnier than a monkey humping a football. Drunker than a p*ss ant in a whirlwind. Tighter than Dicks hat band.
Posted By: Anonymous
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 04:03 AM
My wife and I were fishin and she heard some ol guy say "otter in the water..., drink all day".
Posted By: mnsota
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 04:26 AM
In days of old,when men were bold,and toilets weren't invented,.
you dropped your load upon the road,and walked away contented.
Posted By: Willynilly
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 04:34 AM
Whew, that there women is so ugly she'd make a train take a dirt road...... that's bad!
Posted By: catsnatcher
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 09:20 AM
She had buck teeth so bad that she could eat cottage cheese out of a pop bottle.
Posted By: Hillbilly910
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 11:57 AM
he lit outta here like a a hound dog on a hot coon track...
Posted By: the Blak Spot
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 01:41 PM
Smelled bad enough to give a buzzard the dry heaves.
Posted By: Wanderin Trapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 03:13 PM
When someone farts: "Waht did that a-hole just say to me? Is he talkin crap behind my back?
Posted By: NWKY
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/21/15 05:47 PM
she got legs just like i like em, feet on one end, babymaker on the other
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 10/06/15 02:19 AM
She was squealin like a pig caught under a fence...
Posted By: 9wire
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 10/06/15 02:29 AM
WITAF??
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 10/06/15 03:06 AM
WITAF??
Lmao! Hi, wire. Witaf!!!
Posted By: keystone
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 10/06/15 04:25 AM
Like wipen your as with a wagon wheel, don't make no sense!!
Drunker than a pet bear, twice as mean!!
Grandpa always tells granny when she's talkin to much that her gums are flappin like a gooses bill in a ducks as!!!
Windy as a sack of farts!!
When someone says whats up, you say hard diks and airplanes!!
Try this at home!!
And grannies favorite when she's had a little to much tea (Jim Beam) #hit the f-ing bed!!!
Posted By: DogLogic
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 10/06/15 04:45 AM
"Smilin like a butchers dog"
"Nice girl, but she's about as bright as a wet sack of mice"
Posted By: keystone
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 10/06/15 10:11 AM
Hung like a half eatin tic tac!!
Posted By: pepe
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 10/06/15 04:06 PM
I'll put a knot on your head it will take a gallon of iodine to cover
It will be better befor you are married twice
Posted By: nvwrangler
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 10/06/15 04:33 PM
knock a fart outa you slicker then a whistle out of a freight train
Posted By: l1ranger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 10/06/15 06:40 PM
just cause the cat had kittens in the oven, don't make em biscuits.
shaking like a dog trying to pass a peach pit
Posted By: nvwrangler
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 10/06/15 08:13 PM
when some one gets mouthy
you go over there and practice falling down i'll be over in a second to deal with you!
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 12/20/15 06:01 PM
Cleaner than a duck fart.
Posted By: RedboneBen
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 12/20/15 07:24 PM
Hears good just don't listen worth a chit!
Posted By: iowa trout
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 12/22/15 02:52 AM
" that will learn ya "
Posted By: ShonIngram
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 12/22/15 12:36 PM
So hungry I could eat the a$$ end of a mule.
Posted By: deerdragger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 12/22/15 12:43 PM
I ain't saying she's ugly, but if she was a dog she'd walk backwards and wag her head.
That dude is as sharp as the edge of town.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 03/20/16 06:54 PM
Closer than 2 bears on a moped.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 01:42 PM
Dropped that in there like a butterfly with sore feet!
Posted By: sotired
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 02:20 PM
I ain't never seen a house fly, but I have seen a barn dance.
Posted By: Trapper7
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 02:56 PM
More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Worthless as a one-legged man in an a** kickin contest.
Posted By: madcotrappwr
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 02:59 PM
In like swimwear
Posted By: pasteel1346
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 03:05 PM
When I was a kid, any time my dad would lift something heavy or do some task that required some strength, he would always flex his bicep and look at me and say one of two things...
"You don't get these from pettin' kitties and eatin' crackers!"
or
"You see this in a hardware store you better buy it!"
Posted By: Cooncreek II
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 03:33 PM
That's about as handy as a soup sandwich!
Posted By: sotired
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 04:24 PM
That works about as well as screen doors on a submarine.
Posted By: l1ranger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 06:39 PM
you're trying to make chicken salad with chicken spit
Posted By: Tom cat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 06:45 PM
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed but I can dang sure sharpen every tool in the shed
Posted By: nvwrangler
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 07:35 PM
Never get under any gal you can't bench press
Posted By: deerdragger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 08:49 PM
That dude's about as sharp as the edge of town.
Posted By: deerdragger
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 08:50 PM
I ain't sayin' she's ugly - but if she were a dog she'd walk backwards and wag her head.
Posted By: crow1971
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 11:08 PM
Tighter than Dicks hat band.
Drunker than a P*$$ Ant in a whirl wind.
Like 2 bulls buttin heads.
Posted By: bic
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/10/16 11:44 PM
Sweating like a pregnant Nun going to confession
Posted By: AndrewM
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/11/16 12:10 AM
I had a First Sergeant always tell us during our liberty briefs, "The wheels of justice will do a burnout on your a**".
Posted By: Tom cat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/11/16 12:54 AM
If your gonna be dumb you better be tough
Posted By: Nittany Lion
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/11/16 12:58 AM
Dumber than a shovel.
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/11/16 01:02 AM
Tighter than Dicks hat band.
Drunker than a P*$$ Ant in a whirl wind.
Like 2 bulls buttin heads.
My ol man use to say that about Dicks hat band ...too funny
Posted By: Nessmuck
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/11/16 01:06 AM
My son was under my GTO trying to get that last headder bolt in....trying and trying and he said I can't find the hole.......and you all know what I said right ???? LOL
Posted By: grisseldog
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/11/16 01:40 AM
She's fine as frog hair split four ways
Posted By: DiggerDale
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/11/16 01:53 AM
"About as easy as pushing a chain"
"What goes around comes around"
"Snooze ya looze" .... but... "Haste makes waste"
Posted By: 52Carl
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/11/16 01:58 AM
Is that your breath or your armpits?
Posted By: Farm Manager
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/11/16 02:58 AM
If you a gonna be stupid you better be tough
She ain't much to look at but I'm no showdog myself
That's cooler than Jack Frost
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/11/16 04:08 AM
I had a First Sergeant always tell us during our liberty briefs, "The wheels of justice will do a burnout on your a**".
I'm using that this Friday. Guaranteed.
Posted By: Cooper58
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/16/16 09:00 PM
New one I just heard,
she talked so much it would give a wood pecker a head ache
Posted By: Crit-R-Dun
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/16/16 09:37 PM
[quote=AndrewM]I had a First Sergeant always tell us during our liberty briefs, "The wheels of justice will do a burnout on your a**".
Or "your a** is grass and the civil court's the lawn mower"
Posted By: Golf ball
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/16/16 09:50 PM
Old coon hunting buddy of mine used to say " fat chicks are like a moped ! Fun to ride but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one ! " I personally have no knowledge on ether subject .
Posted By: HobbieTrapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/16/16 11:06 PM
"I'd like to pay what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he is worth."
"So hungry I could eat a horse and chase the rider."
Posted By: Coltonator22
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/17/16 05:11 AM
So hungry I could eat the south end of a north bound mule.
Posted By: Trapper Dan2
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/17/16 12:25 PM
If you don't have any thing to do,go do it some place else.
Posted By: Mr. Greenjeans
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/17/16 05:43 PM
I was about as popular as a txrd in a punch bowl.
I've read so many of these, its kind of like screwing a skunk, I didn't get all I wanted, but I got all I could stand.
Posted By: madcotrappwr
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/17/16 05:45 PM
Harder than pushing a chain across the yard.
Like herding cats.
Posted By: Trapper7
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/17/16 06:52 PM
Ugly enough to gag a maggot!
Posted By: HobbieTrapper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/17/16 07:20 PM
"Busier than a 1 eyed cat watching 9 rat holes."
Posted By: Trapper7
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/17/16 07:31 PM
So ugly when he was little they had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him.
So ugly when she cried the tears ran down the back of her head.
So ugly he has to sneak up on a glass of water.
So slow he has to speed up to stop.
So buck-toothed can eat peanuts out of a pop bottle.
Posted By: Tom cat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/17/16 10:12 PM
Ugly enough to make a train take a dirt road
Posted By: Trapper1960
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/18/16 04:19 AM
You better wrap that attitude up boy or serve it with PB&J and Vaseline . Because your gonna either eat those words or I'm going to shove them up your A$$
Posted By: Scuba1
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 08/18/16 04:45 AM
You look like I need a beer
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/17/16 07:23 PM
Like bein in a sword fight with a pocket knife.
Posted By: Finster
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/17/16 09:56 PM
Busier than a cat trying to bury S*** on concrete!
Posted By: hippie
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/17/16 10:08 PM
It rattles like two skeletons doing it on a tin roof.
Posted By: Tom cat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/17/16 10:47 PM
What type of guy brings a gun to a knife fight? ....... The winner
Posted By: awesome 'possum
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/18/16 12:21 AM
That's like trying to row a boat with a rope.
Busier than a three legged cat trying to bury a turd on a hot tin roof.
Posted By: awesome 'possum
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/18/16 12:33 AM
I once saw one that looked like two rhinos fighting under a tarp!
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/10/17 02:10 AM
Snow was so deep a donkey had to Buck to fart.
Posted By: Mynear
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/10/17 02:49 AM
He's so dumb he couldn't find his arse with both hands
Is that your cousin?
No, that's my daddy's brothers kid
Sweating like a wh*** in church
Posted By: Mynear
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/10/17 02:51 AM
Smells like mamma June on a hot summer day
She's used to be built like a brick sh** house, now she's just built like a house
Papaw used to reply to everything with "yeah boy!"
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/04/18 09:12 PM
More messed up than a snake in a Bush hog.
Posted By: adam m
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/04/18 09:14 PM
She's nice like a wet cat
Posted By: Hawks
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/04/18 09:33 PM
If you can’t be handsome you’d better be handy
Skunks and lawyers are best kept at a distance
Sometimes it’s just easier to plow around the stump
Posted By: strike2x
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/04/18 11:52 PM
Busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest.
Posted By: BFP
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/05/18 01:52 AM
An old rancher used to say "My boy is so dumb I should've shot him in the slop pail.
Posted By: Pawnee
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/05/18 03:56 AM
He,s so stupid he doesn’t know if his butt was punched or bored
Posted By: Five Points John
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/05/18 03:31 PM
2 from me
No sense in throwing mud at a hog!
You can look in the window and see that the room is empty!
John
Posted By: tomahawker
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/05/18 04:02 PM
She's ugly enough to make a train jump tracks and head down a dirt road.
Posted By: grisseldog
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/06/18 02:03 AM
It's the empty trucks that make all the noise.
(People that run their mouth to much)
Posted By: ilbucksndux
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/06/18 02:46 AM
Its time to fish or cut bait.
Posted By: Furvor
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/06/18 03:28 AM
Witness at a murder trial: "You can't prove it by me."
Judge: "What did you say?"
Witness: "I mean I don't know."
Posted By: coloradocat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/06/18 03:32 AM
Lets do it the hardest way possible to make it easier on you
Posted By: SundanceMtnMan
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/06/18 04:16 AM
I think these are all new
I cut that board twice and it is still to short
I have diarrhea so bad I could go through a screen door at twenty feet and never touch the screen
I will kick you so hard you will have to take off your shirt to poop
My nose is running faster then I can eat it
Posted By: Jim Frazier
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/06/18 04:24 AM
That boys Queer as a left handed football bat!
Posted By: Jim Frazier
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/06/18 04:28 AM
When you are dancing with your honey and her nose is kinda runny your friends will think it's funny but it's snot !
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 02:39 AM
Flatter than a stretched out string.
Posted By: Dan Barnhurst
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 08:30 PM
Who bit your puppy?
Who poured sand on your lolypop?
Who kicked your trike in the ditch?
Posted By: Larry Baer
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 08:45 PM
The grass is always greener on the other side but it's tougher to cut
Like a baby loves his bottle
I'd never marry an old maid
I'll tell you the reason why
Her lips are all tobacco juice and her chin is never dry
Posted By: gryhkl
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 08:49 PM
For a fat girl, you sure don't sweat much.
Posted By: jbyrd63
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 09:01 PM
Hotter than a j__- off rabbit
Posted By: hippie
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 09:02 PM
Some people are so smart they're stupid.
Posted By: 20scout
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 10:32 PM
Harder than chinese algibra!
Posted By: pcr2
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 10:35 PM
a bird in the hand has probably gonna poop.
Posted By: Line Jumper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 10:42 PM
You've educated yourself stupid!
Posted By: pcr2
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 11:05 PM
a rolling stone will probably hit something of mine and break it.
Posted By: rick brocious
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 11:08 PM
I'll slap the taste out of your mouth .
I'll be on you like white on rice .
Posted By: foxhunter52
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 11:11 PM
Effective as fartin the wind/ pissin in the ocean. Ugly enough to Gag a maggot.
Posted By: vermontster
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 11:14 PM
Im on it like a hobo on a hot dawg
Posted By: pcr2
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 11:17 PM
once you have seen one,you wanna see them all.
Posted By: Tom cat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/18/19 11:55 PM
I’ll slap the lips off your head.
Posted By: Furback
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/19/19 12:05 AM
That guy lies so much He has to have some one else call his dog for him.
Posted By: upstateNY
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/19/19 02:11 AM
When I was little,,we were so poor when we went to Kentucky fried chicken we had to lick OTHER PEOPLES fingers !!!
Posted By: traprjohn
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/19/19 03:14 AM
haven't seen you in a coon's age
happens once in a blue moon (which I think is technically twice/yr)
that is slicker than owl poo
he needs his head knocked so far down, he can look out his belly button
that goes over like a fart in Sunday school
Posted By: Scout1
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/19/19 03:14 AM
Tougher than a pine knot!
Posted By: traprjohn
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/19/19 03:15 AM
don't make me slap the taste outa your mouth
don't look at me in that tone of voice
Posted By: sandhillscoyotes
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/19/19 03:43 AM
Thats as screwed up as a soup sandwich
Posted By: Wild_Idaho
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/19/19 04:02 AM
Man, today it was colder than a well-digger's butt hole on the line.
Posted By: Wild_Idaho
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/19/19 04:02 AM
She was about as pretty as mud on a white picket fence.
Posted By: newfox1
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/19/19 04:05 AM
I'd rather pinch my nuts in a vise, hard telling not knowing.
Posted By: North40R
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/19/19 04:46 AM
Hot as a nanny goat in a pepper patch.
Hot as the door hinges in hades.
Scarce as hens teeth.
Tough as woodpecker lips.
Tough as Supermans kneecaps.
Cold as a Montana well diggers butt.
Cold as a witches breast in a brass brazier.
So ugly they'd have to slip up on the dipper just to get a drink.
Grinning like a mule eating briars.
It's so dry I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.
Sexy as plaid socks on a red rooster.
Dry as a powder house rat.
Crazy as a sprayed roach.
He's a few bricks shy of a full load.
Cute as a speckeled puppy.
Throats so dry I'm farting dust.
Go on outside and practice rolling around on the ground bleeding, I'll be there in just a minute.
Fast as greased lightening.
Dumb as a brick.
Broke as the ten commandments.
So broke they make their kids eat cereal with a fork so they can reuse the milk.
I'll be all over you like a duck on a junebug.
Sweating like he was writing a bad check.
Posted By: chas3457
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/19/19 06:01 AM
You are educated beyond your intelligence.
Charlie
Posted By: Sac Creek
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/20/19 02:28 PM
Crazier than a peach orchard bull
Prettier than a bay pony
Posted By: hrdtoflw
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/20/19 03:14 PM
He's so dumb, his brain rattles like a rat turd in a shoe box!
Posted By: grayfox54
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/20/19 04:07 PM
She’s uglier than a mud fence in a hurricane
He’s dumber than a stick
He’s got the mind of a grape
You eat poop and bark at the moon
The best part of you ran down your daddy’s leg
She was so ugly her mother even slapped her at birth
That’s slicker than cat poop on linoleum
Posted By: jctunnelrat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/20/19 04:22 PM
47, do you want me to start? LOL!!!
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/20/19 04:46 PM
47, do you want me to start? LOL!!!
Jim, I'm afraid this thread would be deleted if you do. Or if you dewe. Lol.
Posted By: bctomcat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/20/19 04:56 PM
I trust him as far as I can dribble spit.
Posted By: grayfox54
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/20/19 04:57 PM
He couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag
Your breath smells like a thousand buffalo ran through and pooped
May your armpits be infested with a thousand ticks
Posted By: Todd306
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/20/19 07:14 PM
Just because there's snow on the roof, don't mean the fire's out.
Hotter than a sweatband in a firefighter's helmet.
He's so cheap,he skins his farts for the hide and tallow. (From an old farmer)
Posted By: grayfox54
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/20/19 08:54 PM
He's so tight he squeaks when he walks (my bil) lol
Just because i'm old doesn't mean i'm dead (my mother said that once) lol
You're daddy j'od in a flower pot and got a blooming idiot
I'm as happy as a pig rolling in mud
Some one farted and someone said, that sounded wet, I said that's an electric fart, it has a lot of juice in it
Posted By: KenaiKid
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/20/19 09:18 PM
I wish I could buy a few of you for your IQ and sell you for your body weight.
Posted By: Abu65
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/20/19 10:53 PM
Drunker than Cooter Brown
Posted By: strike2x
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/20/19 11:45 PM
Finer than frog hair
You can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig
Trying to make a silk purse from a sows ear.
We ain't building a church.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/25/20 02:23 PM
It ain’t hard. Not like we’re under-water BB stacking or something.
Posted By: grisseldog
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/26/20 03:30 AM
Meaner than a rattler and twice as dusty
Posted By: Wild_WI
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/26/20 05:03 AM
Why don't you go outside and play hide and go .... Yourself
Posted By: Nelly
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/26/20 05:14 AM
Just so you don't have to go back through 29 pages.
He ain't afraid of hard work, he'll get right up close and watch it.
Posted By: Gary Benson
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/26/20 09:59 AM
If he moved from this town to the next town over it would raise the IQ of both towns.
His meatloaf ain't done all the way to the middle.
That sun is intense, and I ain't talkin about camping out.
Posted By: Gary Benson
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/26/20 10:03 AM
Ford drivers put lift kits on their trucks so their skirt don't get dirty.
Posted By: womper
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/26/20 11:05 AM
lower than whale dung
Posted By: Wife
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/26/20 12:52 PM
"I'll be all over you like scum on a politician" (substitute "Lawyer" in the right company)................... the mike
Posted By: HayDay
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/26/20 03:52 PM
Sharp as a marble........
and
We ain't had this much fun since that time the hogs ate my little sister!
Posted By: grayfox54
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/27/20 04:49 PM
You lie like a rug
Posted By: newfox1
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/28/20 01:35 AM
Worked like a rented mule.
Tighter than a banjo string
Posted By: bctomcat
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/28/20 02:19 AM
I don't trust him any farther than i can dribble spit.
Posted By: Knappett
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/28/20 04:00 AM
A farting horse will never tire, a farting man's the one to hire!
You couldn't hit water if you fell out of the boat.
He couldn't find his butt if you stuffed it full of uranium and gave him a gieger counter!
You couldnt tell a snake hole from your butthole.
That's sharp enough to shave the hair off a snake.
Hes tighter than bark on a tree.
Posted By: strike2x
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/28/20 04:07 AM
Can't make a will purse out of a sows ear
Posted By: KYtrapper2005
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/28/20 05:21 AM
Rare as rooster eggs
That guy is the north end of a south bound donkey
Posted By: 080808
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/28/20 12:11 PM
Looks like the South end of a North bound horse.
Posted By: DeepSouth16
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/29/20 03:40 AM
It fits like socks on a rooster.
Posted By: BraskaYoter
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 11/29/20 03:56 AM
Slicker than owl ****!
Bleeding like a stuck hog.
Colder than a witches **** in a brass bra.
Finer than frog hair.
More worthless than teets on a boar.
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/21 08:56 PM
He’s got enough money to burn a wet mule.
Posted By: Artrapper16
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/10/21 09:56 PM
If you do it like that it will look like hammered dog crap
Posted By: MTHunter
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/11/21 01:18 AM
Happier than a gopher in soft dirt!
Posted By: grisseldog
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/11/21 01:38 AM
He sounds like he married his first cousin
Posted By: Yooper1978
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/11/21 01:38 AM
“Prit near kaput”
“You can tell by the shape of his head he ain’t got no brains”
Posted By: 52Carl
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 09/11/21 01:54 AM
I think this is the best.....after an emergency trip to the toilet....
Yep. I concur. that's the best one. Why else would the Boss edit it out?
I never did see it, but what is known to commonly rolls around in my head, I filled in the blank "appropriately."
Posted By: USMC47 🦫
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/28/22 03:45 AM
Normal ain’t never coming back, but Jesus is.
Posted By: Aggie73
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/28/22 04:44 PM
Blacker than midnight under a skillet.
He had a slip knot in his puckering string (diarrhea).
I just as soon put on a tin bill and peck stuff with the chickens than…(insert whatever you don’t like doing).
Posted By: Nittany Lion
Re: Country Quips - let's hear 'em - 01/28/22 10:12 PM
His wife is so ugly he takes her to work with him just so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.