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Olympic Trapping
by Martin Tipton

            Every four years, people around the world come together to cheer for and encourage their native countrymen and countrywomen in the Olympics.  Out of the countless competitions, you find tests of speed, endurance and distance, to name just a few.  All of the athletes are trained very well in their specialties, spending years to tone their bodies to take the punishment that is inflicted.
            Though there are competitions in marksmanship, archery, and other outdoor recreation, I have yet to see anything about trapping in the Olympics.  This is a terrible shame given the fact that most every trapper could easily give any tri-athletes a run for the money and I am sure that it is merely an oversight of the Olympic committee.  Each year, we all spend time in training, that in all reality could be considered Olympic quality, but none of us will ever come home with the gold.  Here are just a few of the events that trappers could compete in:

            1) The 100 meter dash – This test of speed is found when the trapper turns around to find their standard shift pickup truck rolling down the hill that they just parked on to open a gate.  Handicaps are given to those trappers with enlarged stomach and posterior regions.

            2) Long Distance Running – A popular event on any trap line when the small dark blob in the woods materializes into
the unexpected skunk, or when the trapper is caught in the woods with his spare toilet paper in the cab of his truck 500 yards
or more away.

            3) Rowing – An all to common occurrence when the trapper finds themselves on the wrong side of the lake when the brand new $90 marine battery goes dead. This unique event has the ability to incorporate speed and endurance when the oarsman finds his craft taking on water in the middle of the lake with the dead battery.

            4) Swimming – Always an unexpected event when found on the trap line, but one that all trappers are well versed in.  This chilly event can also be combined with ice skating and long distance running.  Points are awarded to any trappers that can dog paddle without loosing any of their equipment.  Those trappers forming a mock slide down a bank complete with claw marks, or simply survive with water filled waders can also expect to pick up a few extra points.

             5) Marksmanship – When a skunk is held by the toenail in a 1.5 coil spring, it is often the wise trapper that chooses to stay back and work on their artillery distance skills, lest they should incorporate the 100 meter dash or long distance running back to the truck.  Points are deducted from those participants who choose to stand downwind of the skunk.

            Of course there are many more factors that affect trappers day in and day out, but the five which I have listed go a long way to make us all worthy of competing for an Olympic gold medal.  It seems that each year I end up training extensively, this year being the worst.  Anyone up for a race?