Day nine started off cold and a heavy snow was falling. Ken woke up cold and told me rub his feet for 45 minutes, to warm them up. He said it’s an old Alaskan tradition to show that you have no homosexual tendencies. I actually rubbed for more than an hour to prove how straight I am. Ken said “You cook breakfast, jerk, I’m tired of feeding your ugly face”. I heard him mumble under his breath that if I wasn’t here he could be out caching some critters. “I sure didn’t realize what I was getting into” came out also.
Ken had me cook up a hearty breakfast of Moose testicles. After breakfast was all made he said he really wasn’t that hungry and this was what he ate all the time, so I should just go ahead and eat the whole pan. He claimed it was one of his most favorite meals, and I managed to get it all down, but it took a little encouragement from Ken. He said “when in Alaska you gotta do as the Alaskans do”. I want to be a “Real Alaskan” so I told him, “I sure hope we can have Moose Testicles again tomorrow”.
We started out on the line a little late because of the foot rubbing tradition thing, but at least we got out. The snow machine would not run so Ken made me pull it. We got about a mile and a half a mile and Ken said “you go check the traps over the ridge there and I’ll see about working on the machine”. I got over the ridge and found another stinkin’ Marten. I think that’s all they have up in this God-Forsaken country. Just as I was checking the last trap I heard the machine fire. Good Ol’ Ken, the master mechanic, he can fix anything.
I finished running the traps and started back over the ridge. All of a sudden I heard the snow machine fire up and take off. Ol’ absent minded Ken must have forgotten I was here. I saw the machine throwing up a rooster tail of snow, so I at least knew the machine was running well. He was headed north, so I guessed he was just going to run the next part while I finished this part.
Well, the walk back to the cabin wasn’t too bad. It would have been easier if Ken would have left snow shoes. Walking through a foot and a half of new powder will sure get you a huffing and a puffing. You know, maybe Alaska ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. At least I had those Moose Testicles layin’ in my belly to give me energy.
About half way back to the cabin them Moose Testicles started rolling around, I had to stop and vomit. Those Moose Testicles taste about as good coming back up as they do going down. Then it started on the other end. You know when you “Gotta Go” when you’re out doors, you know all the clothes, you know when you pull down your pants, long underwear, you know how you got to get it all out of the way. You don’t want to make any deposits in any spot other than the ground. In this case it was in the snow, as the snow was a foot and a half deep. Nothing like planting your butt cheeks in the snow to make you appreciate a toilet. Since Ken had the toilet paper, along with the snow shoes, I made do with what I had, snow. I used the Marten I had caught to make the “final buff”, if you know what I mean. I guess I’ll let Ken skin this Marten.
Well, I finally made it back to the cabin. By then there wasn’t much daylight left. Ken came rolling in about 15 minutes later, a big smile on his face. Well Okie-Dopey, “How’d-Jew-Do”? Come to find out, this was another tradition. You take an Alaskan wanna be out, drop them off out in the wild, not too far out, you don’t want them to die, and see how they do.
For supper we had Moose Testicles and he made me skin the Marten.
God I love Alaska.
If I told ya once, I etc. etc., my name ain't Keith