#162368 - 04/02/07 03:39 PM
A dawn remembered
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V3N
trapper
Registered: 12/28/06
Posts: 400
Loc: Indiana
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Sunrise.
The Sun rose this morning. And color and life came back to the world. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
As the Sun sets it drains the color from everything. Where once there was green and gold and warmth, there is only gray and black and chill. Where once there was close and far, there is only here and there. Where it was warm and safe it is now cold and hostile.
At Sundown last night I was wet from sweat and welcomed the cool of the shadows. I was aware of the eyes that sought me out and welcomed the cover of night.
But men are not creatures of the night and as the color drains from the world, it sets our nerves on end. The shade of the shadow becomes the black of the hidden places, and the
cool the cold of the grave.
In light our ears hear a of meriad sounds and the drone becomes our blanket that shields us from the sounds of evil. In dark this fades and the unfamiliar sounds of night only seem to herald the coming of danger.
The trees to our left and right turn from brown and green to black. And as the night grows darker we can see them only against the faint stars above. And even bright red
splotches become black and less related to life and death.
The tall grass to our front turns from a green sea to a gray wall as solid as rock.
In light we see our fellows in their places to our flanks, but in the night they seem miles away. The safety they offer fades with the light.
We seem alone.
In the day we knew of the eyes that sought us out, in the night we feel the eyes upon us. And we wait for the strike.
Light lets us see those who seek us and lets us battle against them, it lets us see our friends and we know they will stand with us, and help us.
In the night we seem alone.
Stripped of sight we wait in the dark to be found. And hope we can see, or hear, them first.
We will the stars to move along their paths. We pray that the once welcome night will pass.
A soft rustle in the dark. Was it death calling? Are they coming now? Our hearts pound so loud they must hear them. We force ourselves to breath slower and stay still. There, again, off more to the left now. We lay and wait.
We want to call to our friends and be sure they are safe and still there, but that would surely bring death to us all.
As the night drags on mist rises and moves like a force of ghosts among the shadows. What light finds its way to the ground and touches the mist seems to light up the ground around us. We feel more naked and exposed.
Slowly, ever so slowly the stars march across the sky.
The day was hot and sticky from sweat, heat, and the fear of battle. As the Sun set and the air cooled we felt our clothes dry from our sweat.
Now as the mist flows around us they grow clammy again. Cold, damp, uncomfortable, yet we dare not move too much.
Death lurks among those shadows we watch. Even the wounded seem to try to hold their voices. Lest they draw the attention of the enemy.
The faint drip of the dew, the soft rustle of a falling leaf, a faint distant click of a breaking twig, the soft drone of a million mosquitoes among the trees. Far worse, a faint metallic tap.
Eons creep by till a faint blue line touches the eastern sky. And we begin to hope. Painfully slow comes the dawn. And slowly, ever so slowly the color and life returns.
Black becomes gray, then green, and brown.
The sounds begin to rise again.
The mist rises as the Sun touches the trees on the hills above us.
As the light moves down the hills and touches the trees we can see our friends again.
In spite of the danger we feel safer. We are back in the light where we belong. We can breath and sigh again. The morning sun warms our damp cold clothes, and our stiff muscles.
That Sunrise was beautiful.
But now we must face another day.
_________________________
From Dave Barry's 25 things I learned in 50 years:
"There's a fine line between a hobby and a mental illness."
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#162789 - 04/02/07 09:08 PM
Re: A dawn remembered
[Re: V3N]
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ZachAttack
trapper
Registered: 01/01/07
Posts: 937
Loc: Goodlettsville, Tennessee
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Nice!!
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#163535 - 04/03/07 03:34 PM
Re: A dawn remembered
[Re: ZachAttack]
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James
"Frostbite Jimmy"
trapper
Registered: 12/26/06
Posts: 1491
Loc: Anchorage, Alaska
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A work of fiction, I assume?
Some very nice writing and imagery here. But you don't sufficiently identify the "I" and "we" for this reader to identify with them. Nor can I tell who the enemy is, although it seems these are two factions in the midst of battle.
Readers approach fiction differently than non-fiction. The writer has to acquire an emotional stake to keep reading. Hard to do, when I can't relate to the characters.
Jim
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#164197 - 04/03/07 10:30 PM
Re: A dawn remembered
[Re: James]
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V3N
trapper
Registered: 12/28/06
Posts: 400
Loc: Indiana
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When telling and re-telling war stories it is easy to forget your audience. The man who served in the Pacific in WW2 and the man who served in Vietnam share a common reference. So many things are understood as common knowledge and experience that they are left unsaid.
Yet the men from the same periods who served in Europe don't share the same imagery. And the story needs more depth to make it felt.
This was perhaps too narrow a focus.
_________________________
From Dave Barry's 25 things I learned in 50 years:
"There's a fine line between a hobby and a mental illness."
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#165117 - 04/04/07 05:17 PM
Re: A dawn remembered
[Re: V3N]
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James
"Frostbite Jimmy"
trapper
Registered: 12/26/06
Posts: 1491
Loc: Anchorage, Alaska
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Not to foist it onto your story, but you might check my post "A formula for fiction."
Jim
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Moderator: NYNovice, James
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