#132071 - 03/12/07 08:57 AM
a remembrance day piece of writing
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derekv
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Registered: 12/23/06
Posts: 386
Loc: owen sound ontario
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i wrote this last remembrance day (veterns day for you guys from the states) i thought it would be nice if it was brought back up, any comments are fine good or bad
"i have not fought in any war for i am to young but i would gladly take up arms for my country and the nations people just like all the soldiers of years gone joining the great war and the second war at my age of 14 and 15. though my friends and peers have forgotten i will not, though they only give 2 minutes of silence i will give how ever long it takes. even though they complain that it's raining and cold out i will still protest that the soldiers you are and should be remembering had to endure that and worse as they fought for the freedom that allows you to complain that it's cold and wet all in english. so i as i bow my head and whisper "i remember" as thoughts of fallen soldiers and veterans fill my head i will forever and ever remember"
Edited by derekv (03/13/07 08:45 AM)
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#132349 - 03/12/07 01:52 PM
Re: a remembrance day poem
[Re: Halzard]
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derekv
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Registered: 12/23/06
Posts: 386
Loc: owen sound ontario
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lol figures. ok any other comments? besides hal? lol jk
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#132691 - 03/12/07 04:46 PM
Re: a remembrance day poem
[Re: NYNovice]
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James
"Frostbite Jimmy"
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Registered: 12/26/06
Posts: 1491
Loc: Anchorage, Alaska
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If he broke it up into separate lines, do you think it would qualify as a poem?
I'm not a big fan of modern or new-age poetry. Seems to me that without rhyme or meter, there's little to distinguish it from prose -- except for perhaps the format in which it's presented.
Agree on the punctuation, grammar, spelling.
Jim
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#133390 - 03/12/07 09:59 PM
Re: a remembrance day poem
[Re: James]
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NYNovice
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Registered: 12/23/06
Posts: 1688
Loc: Central NY
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If he broke it up into separate lines, do you think it would qualify as a poem?
I'm not a big fan of modern or new-age poetry. Seems to me that without rhyme or meter, there's little to distinguish it from prose -- except for perhaps the format in which it's presented.
Agree on the punctuation, grammar, spelling.
Jim
I personally wouldn't qualify it as a poem because it is not written as a poem. For example:
"i have not fought in any war for i am to young but i would gladly take up arms for my country and the nations people just like all the soldiers of years gone joining the great war and the second war at my age of 14 and 15.
This is clearly an opening statement (and a run-on sentence which would need to be changed).
Even if you break it up such as,
I have not fought in any war
For I am to young
But I would Gladly take up arms for my country and the Nations People
just like all the soldiers of years gone joining the great war
and the second war at my age of 14 and 15.
Although poetry technically does not "need" to flow, I should not be comprised quite like that in my opinion.
As an example, trying to say the same things, I would maybe write something Like the following.
I have not fought in war
For I am too young
But to arms I would gladly go
If my countries war cry is sung
Soldiers of past and present
A brotherhood of honour
Bound by acts of bravery
Leaving mothers Scorned
Poetry really should at least flow well, and even what I wrote is a little choppy for what I would consider Flow. LOL. But I did it off the top of my head. LOL>
I think you get the Idea though. When writing poetry, try to remember what your audience is looking for. Poetry is generally supposed to create a visual image in the readers mind. You want them to understand your feelings, but you also want for them to be able to relate to it on an individual basis. To do this you should use somewhat broad statements that paint a picture for the reader.
Using what I wrote as an example:
I have not fought in war
For I am too young
But to arms I would gladly go
If my countries war cry is sung
There are a TON of pictures depicting young boys pretending that they are their fathers going to war. Or the young man Saluting his father as he boards the plane to go to war, standing with a tear in his eye. Those first four lines will give the reader (hopefully) an image similar to that in their mind. With that Image, they can now relate to what you have said on a personal level.
Now to elaborate that point, we move on and try to make the reader understand the consequences that are NOT recognized by the young man in the first picture.
Soldiers of past and present
A brotherhood of honour
Bound by acts of bravery
Leaving mothers Scorned
This gives a couple of images, that will help keep the poem moving for the reader. The first image being of the soldier that is going to war, and the brotherhood of those soldiers, which is brought about by selfless acts of bravery. The image that every soldier would gladly lay his life down for his fellow soldier, and the consequences again is the image of the mother, who while proud of her son for what he has done, is greiving, hurt and upset for her loss.
I hope this helps. LOL. As I said, there is nothing wrong with the statement that you have made, but it is just that, A statement. It would be a great start to a persuasive essay, but I wouldn't qualify it as poetry.
_________________________
TrapperMans FIRST Haiku Master:
Misted Over Dawn
Cherry Red On the Hillside
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#133623 - 03/13/07 09:01 AM
Re: a remembrance day poem
[Re: Halzard]
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derekv
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Registered: 12/23/06
Posts: 386
Loc: owen sound ontario
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lol ok i changed the title to state that it is not a poem
i wrote this last year in an urge to do something even if a very very small bit to honour those who fought for my freedom.
and thank you for the constructive crictivesome(sp?) and i will write more stuff when i feel like it lol thanks again
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#133649 - 03/13/07 09:37 AM
Re: a remembrance day poem
[Re: Halzard]
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NYNovice
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Registered: 12/23/06
Posts: 1688
Loc: Central NY
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You ain't no poet either. 1.) If you're gonna comment on poetry, lose the title case capitalization in your signature. 2.) LOL is not punctuation. 3.) All y'all did was beat up on the kid, and neither one of you encouraged him to try again.  -- Hal
I don't beleive I beat up on him at all. I simply put forth my opinion on what he had written. I believe I have stated that I thought he wrote a very good opening statement for a persuasive essay, but I don't believe it is poetry.
And I realize that you have a ton of experience in writing, where I do it as a hobby, but the only person who really came accross negative in their comments was you Hal. I realize that you were not really being negative, just simply stating facts, but sometimes you need to do more than state facts. If you really want to help, then give some examples of where his text needs work as far as punctuation, and the other issues you stated. I genuinely enjoy reading your material, and I love your videos, but your bedside manner leaves something to be desired.
_________________________
TrapperMans FIRST Haiku Master:
Misted Over Dawn
Cherry Red On the Hillside
A Moment Stands Still
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#133698 - 03/13/07 10:41 AM
Re: a remembrance day poem
[Re: NYNovice]
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James
"Frostbite Jimmy"
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Registered: 12/26/06
Posts: 1491
Loc: Anchorage, Alaska
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This thread is for discussing Dereky's poem. Criticism of the moderators should be directed to Mr. Dobbins.
Jim
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#133712 - 03/13/07 10:59 AM
Re: a remembrance day poem
[Re: James]
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James
"Frostbite Jimmy"
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Registered: 12/26/06
Posts: 1491
Loc: Anchorage, Alaska
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Novice, that was a great response. Dereky, I hope you pay attention to that one.
But no, prose ain't going to claim that particular run-on sentence either. lol
I understand the distinction you're drawing there, Novice. But prose fiction, at least in the hands of a master stylist, can seem pretty close to poetry.
Jim
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#133818 - 03/13/07 12:56 PM
Re: a remembrance day poem
[Re: James]
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derekv
trapper
Registered: 12/23/06
Posts: 386
Loc: owen sound ontario
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lol im listening to all with open ears
hal im going to be 15 in may im far from being a "kid" lol
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Moderator: NYNovice, James
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-- Hal
