Heres a short story I had to write in English class. I dont think its that good, but he loved it, and he said hes turning it in to the local writing contests.



As I was walking home from the bar, I thought I saw a clump in the alley. As I go to investigate, I realize it was exactly what I had feared most. I staggered back, both from excitement and from the 8 shots of Ouzo that had been forced upon me by peer pressure. I closed my eyes, and opened them again to make sure what I saw, was what it was. My first instinct was to call the police, but I decided not to get involved. As I was staggering to the body to place it in the upright position so as to appear asleep to any by passers, I realized all the limbs had been removed from the body and placed in cross form next to it. The body was just a fleshy limbless rectangle. It was then that I decided to run, for this was no accident.
As I turn to run away, I run into a man, much bigger than I, who seemed to be in a very unhappy mood. He spoke to me in some language I could not quite comprehend, gibberish of sorts. As I stagger and turn, I am met by another man of equal size and competence. I have nowhere to run. The first thing that came to me was to attempt to fight my way out. As I go to take a punch at the first man, the other man, who is now behind me, grabs me. The next thing I remember, I’m waking up on the floor in an old abandoned storage building.
My head is pounding, my mind racing. “How did I get here?” was a question I asked myself multiple times. I then remembered the two men, and the gruesome image of the body came to mind. Just then, a large steel door unbolted, then opened, revealing one of the large men. He came to me with sadness in his eyes, yet anger in his heart. As he approached me, I saw his eyes glaze over. “Here’s your supper, you better enjoy it, not sure how many more you’ll get.”
I then looked at what the man had given me. It consisted of 2 slices of stale bread, a piece of meat so nasty and green it might have passes for moss. After all those drinks the night before, something in my stomach would make me feel much better. I can’t make myself eat this vile meat, but this bread appears to not be too old. As I take small nibble at first, working my way into ravenous chunks, a wave of sickness rolls over me. As I glare in front of me, I notice another body, positioned much as before, but with an area of flesh missing, much resembling the one on my plate.
I stand up and shriek in horror, as the other of the two men comes into the room, a horrid chuckle on his lips. This man had not the same feeling of compassion to him as the one before. This man was evil both at heart and in mind.
“Why have you captured me and brought me to this God-forsaken place?”
“Silence! You will speak only when spoken too!”
Being very afraid of this man, I do as I am spoken to. He answers, much more calmly this time, “You have been brought here as a test subject of sorts. See, I am a scientist. My area of profession is human anatomy. I have been the one responsible for so many discoveries in this area, only to have my work stolen from my hands! That is why we are here. I have created my own lab of sorts where no one may steal my ideas.”
“Your sick! This isn’t science, this is murder!”
At that, the man walks back out the door, chuckling the same devious chuckle as when entering. My heart sinks, as does my hope. This man means what he says.
When I wake up, its morning from what I can tell though a small crack in the wall, revealing sunlight. Just then, the pair of men comes into the room, one pushing a cart with instruments on it, the other, a ball of chain. They begin to pace around me, when suddenly I am grabbed again from behind. This time, I am met by the wretched intoxicating smell of chloroform. Trying to overcome the sleepy daze created by the ammonia based substance, I see bright pink dots, and then sleep overcomes me.
This time when I awake, much later in the evening, I am chained to a beam. I feel the two men hoist me up on saw horses, like a rotisserie of sorts. I begin to struggle breathing and such from blood rushing to the portions of my head that it had never been.

When I wake up this time, its dark, but I have been stood up. At that a man asks me if I’m ready for my examination. At that, the man places shoulder length latex gloves on his hands, and rubs on some kind of paste. I’m struggling to get out of these chains, but they are much too tight. The man then asks me a retorted question I did not quite understand. “Do you know how to cure a sore throat?”
This man must be psycho. I answer, thinking about my answer very carefully. “Antibiotics and sleep, right?”
“Very good answer, but not the one I was hoping for.”
The man turns around and looks at me, smiles, then turns back around. After about 8 seconds I hear what sounds like a jabberwocky. The man turns around screaming, knife in hand, charging right at me. He sticks the knife in the beam, a mere inch above my head. He laughs that same laugh, and goes back to the table he was working at.
“What the **** was that?!” I scream in scared outrage.
“I missed, that’s what it was. I never miss…” I could tell by the tone of his voice, he wasn’t joking. He glanced back my direction one last time, and I noticed his eyes were gleaming, almost glowing, with a fire like appearance.
Just then, my alarm goes off. I lift my head up in a cold sweat. I look around, and all appears normal. Only a dream I tell myself, only a dream.. A great sigh of relief comes over me. Just then there’s a knock at my door.
I answer the door, and no one is there. I step out in the hall to hopefully catch a glimpse of someone walking away, when suddenly the smell of chloroform overtakes me.







Tell me what you think. Constructive critisism is always nice.

I think your teacher is correct. Well written and very captivating, no pun intended.

Haha. Very nice pun, and thanks very much!

I like ouzo

A little twisted for sure, but a unique story.

Thanks.

The story itself is pretty good but there are ways to make your writing more enjoyable and colorful to read.

Try to lose the word I. EX. "As I was walking home from the bar."
You are telling the story. Unless you're talking about another charector, we'll always know you're talking about yourself, so, While walking home from the bar...

"As I turn to run away..." Try this, Turning to run...

This builds a quicker pace and a better read.

Keep at it, you'll be fine. Good luck with the contest!

I think you've watched to many movies!

Great Avice. And I will leave this here until tomorrow so others can read it, and then I will move it to the Pen and Quill forum where it belongs.

I am not sure that your teacher is absolutely correct, but I do think you are on the right track.
You have a captivating story with a nice twist and a little suspense.
I agree that it could read and Flow a little better.
As was said, if you are going to write from a first person perspective, establish it quickly in the first part of the story (which you did) and then you shouldn't have to keep saying "I".
Occasionally, you can go back to it, but only to make sure that the audience still is with you.
You use your descriptions well, and you have definately painted a picture.
I will just say this. YOu have a GREAT start, but I personally would re-write. and have your teacher look at it, and then Re-write it again.
Not because I don't think it is a good paper, but because I think it can be better. And you would be suprised at how much you can make a story better when you rework it a couple of times, and add even more Ideas that you have time to think through.
Good Job. Can't wait to see a Re-Write.