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#2056913 - 07/11/10 08:39 AM Have goofy emails screwed up your life???
Paul Dobbins Offline
"Trapperman custodian"

Registered: 12/22/06
Loc: Goldsboro, North Carolina
As we progress through the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I canít use the remote in a hotel room because I donít know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I canít sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking oneís nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I canít touch any womanís purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresaís Novena has granted my every wish.

I canít have a drink in a bar because Iíll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I canít eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I canít use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesnít crawl in my back seat when Iím filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ĎUnder Godí on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I canít boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I canít use anyoneís toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I canít ever pick up $5.00 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I canít do any gardening because Iím afraid Iíll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you donít send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighborís ex-mother-in-lawís second husbandís cousinís best friendís beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Donít bother taking it off now, itís too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
_________________________


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#2056918 - 07/11/10 08:47 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: Paul Dobbins]
coonwise Offline
trapper

Registered: 11/17/08
Loc: East Central IL.
Sorry about the violin spider one Mr Dobbins. I was only trying to corner the pickle market!!! have a good day anyways Paul. Mike ps if you wonderin about pickles prices!!!! yes they have gone up!!!


Edited by coonwise (07/11/10 08:49 AM)
Edit Reason: ps

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#2056920 - 07/11/10 08:47 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: Paul Dobbins]
beachcomber13 Offline
trapper

Registered: 12/17/07
Loc: Port Jervis, NY
I guess I'll be washing dove poop and fleas off of me in the morning.lol

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#2056922 - 07/11/10 08:48 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: Paul Dobbins]
trapperkeck Offline
trapper

Registered: 11/12/07
Loc: Crofton, NE
A great explanation as to why I do not read my E-mail.
_________________________
"The voice of reason!"

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#2056939 - 07/11/10 09:05 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: trapperkeck]
Dead Coyote Offline
trapper

Registered: 02/23/07
Loc: Slaughter Slough, MN
At least you get emails!
_________________________
If you can't Trap'em, then Hang'em! Dead Coyote Snares

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#2056949 - 07/11/10 09:17 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: Dead Coyote]
foxkidd44 Offline
trapper

Registered: 06/29/07
Loc: shelbyville, illinois 42years ...
lol,

beleive it or not this one is true though,,,,,,,,


"AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I canít boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life."

regular tap water won't blow up,,,but distilled water will, if you put something in it.

the reason being is that when water is superheated the molecules try to find something to attach to...since tap water has the chemicals and stuff in it...it already has something to adhere to.

but distilled water doesn't have anything...so you have a gazillion super heated water molecules looking for something to grab on to............stick a spoon in it AFTER it comes out of the microwave ...and BAM!!!!.

I know there's prob a bunch gonna go try it right after reading this......
_________________________
Stand by your principles, Stand by your guns, and victory complete and permanent is sure at last.
Abraham Lincoln

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#2056983 - 07/11/10 09:56 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: foxkidd44]
mike jerrell Offline
trapper

Registered: 01/23/07
Loc: Mississippi


Thats why Im a non conformist, You can be deprogrammed Mr.Dobbins. Come on down here and I will have ya good as new in no time. I will have you drinking beer that came out of the same icechest the fish are in,Shakin the hands of strange men and huggin strange womens necks. You''ll be offering strangers a bite of your sanwich or hamburger,eatin with your hands while pettin a dog,why I still even walk out in my yard in my boxers to pee first thing every mornin. Less grass to cut. Youll be usin your trusty pocket knife to lance cysts and pickin splinters outta your hands. Snuff spit on wasp stings, Bitn a horses ear so itll stand still while somebody saddles it.
In no time You will be just as,uninhibted,nasty,gross and politically incorrect as me.

And wont charge ya a penny.
_________________________
Gotta spread your arms and hold your breath and always trust your cape. ~ Jerry Jeff Walker

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#2057000 - 07/11/10 10:08 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: mike jerrell]
belin Offline
trapper

Registered: 12/23/06
Loc: Southeast Va.
You Bored up there in those hills?
_________________________
Belin : -)}}

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#2057018 - 07/11/10 10:30 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: belin]
minnscott Offline
"Dink"

Registered: 10/10/07
Loc: Minnesota
So you are saying that I can no longer taste test critter pooh to find out what the critter has eaten?
_________________________
WOODBILLY
Life is a dance. learn a new step every day.

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#2057031 - 07/11/10 10:40 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: minnscott]
michael_obrien
Unregistered

Originally Posted By: minnscott
So you are saying that I can no longer taste test critter pooh to find out what the critter has eaten?


I was wondering what that dark spec was on yout tooth last week...

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#2057034 - 07/11/10 10:43 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: minnscott]
scalloper Offline
trapper

Registered: 10/17/09
Loc: All over Maine
Do you want to live forever? You gota go sometime. I do know what you mean thoe. Its like when you go to the doctor. No matter whats wrong he says"you got to stop smoking" I had one tell me that and I said...Doc I have never smoked in my life. He said well then its your eating habbits,always remember if it tastes good spit it out and eat somthing you dont like.
_________________________
Hard work pays off in the long run. Laziness pays off now.
Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time, and annoys the pig



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#2057039 - 07/11/10 10:48 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: ]
minnscott Offline
"Dink"

Registered: 10/10/07
Loc: Minnesota
Originally Posted By: michael_obrien
Originally Posted By: minnscott
So you are saying that I can no longer taste test critter pooh to find out what the critter has eaten?


I was wondering what that dark spec was on yout tooth last week...


Which spec?
_________________________
WOODBILLY
Life is a dance. learn a new step every day.

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#2057046 - 07/11/10 10:55 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: scalloper]
coonwise Offline
trapper

Registered: 11/17/08
Loc: East Central IL.
I remeber back in the 80s when they first started running all the news about bad cholesterol and how bad eggs were for ya. than the next night on the news they would show some old guy up in the hills of Virginia somewhere. showing his little old shack with the chicken coop outback saying scientist were puzzeled how he and others up there were living to 100 and older. gosh I couldnt figure out how the million or so eggs he hadnt eaten in his lifetime didnt kill him!!! LMHO Mike

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#2057061 - 07/11/10 11:16 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: coonwise]
Tactical.20 Offline
trapper

Registered: 12/24/06
Loc: N.W. Iowa
Ah man,, your life just plain sucks then!!LOL The cling wrap one I believe!

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#2057065 - 07/11/10 11:26 AM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: mike jerrell]
aprophet Offline
trapper

Registered: 11/26/08
Loc: Portsmouth Va.
Originally Posted By: mike jerrell


Thats why Im a non conformist, You can be deprogrammed Mr.Dobbins. Come on down here and I will have ya good as new in no time. I will have you drinking beer that came out of the same icechest the fish are in,Shakin the hands of strange men and huggin strange womens necks. You''ll be offering strangers a bite of your sanwich or hamburger,eatin with your hands while pettin a dog,why I still even walk out in my yard in my boxers to pee first thing every mornin. Less grass to cut. Youll be usin your trusty pocket knife to lance cysts and pickin splinters outta your hands. Snuff spit on wasp stings, Bitn a horses ear so itll stand still while somebody saddles it.
In no time You will be just as,uninhibted,nasty,gross and politically incorrect as me.

And wont charge ya a penny.


I wished there were 10 more of you I could have for neighbors smile I grew up with the folks you just described
_________________________
I TRAP PETA'S FRONT PORCH

Molan Labe

Venari Vastantium

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#2057120 - 07/11/10 12:29 PM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: aprophet]
Asa Lenon Offline
trapper

Registered: 12/23/06
Loc: Gulliver, Michigan
Don't forget and sniff any lures either...according to some it may be dangerous to your health!!!

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#2057127 - 07/11/10 12:48 PM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: Asa Lenon]
Larry Hall Offline
trapper

Registered: 02/05/08
Loc: Michigan.



Increase the Liquor intake

it'll knock out all of that bad stuff!

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#2057184 - 07/11/10 01:43 PM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: Larry Hall]
droptine11 Offline
trapper

Registered: 10/07/09
Loc: SW, Pa
haha i hate those email and text forwards like that

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#2057220 - 07/11/10 02:16 PM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: droptine11]
cotton Offline


Registered: 12/22/06
Loc: rual retreat va. soon be 19
it's all good now i done won 6 lottery's i didn't even inter
_________________________
John 3/16

ifin your gonna be dumb ya gotta be tough
Proud testosterone charged redneck

"Winning an argument on the internet is like winning the special olympics. Even if you win,you're still retarded." BPB

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#2057223 - 07/11/10 02:18 PM Re: Have goofy emails screwed up your life??? [Re: droptine11]
nelacres Offline
"The Farmer"

Registered: 12/23/06
Loc: Derby, Vermont 45 for now
after reading this BOSS I am going to the big city of Burlington with a whole pocket of 5s and I am going to throw them all over the parking lot.

Then I am going to go around picking them up to see if some woman comes along and tries to grab me a sexually asault me.

LMAO
_________________________

Nelly

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