As we progress through the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $5.00 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Sorry about the violin spider one Mr Dobbins. I was only trying to corner the pickle market!!! have a good day anyways Paul. Mike ps if you wonderin about pickles prices!!!! yes they have gone up!!!

I guess I'll be washing dove poop and fleas off of me in the morning.lol

A great explanation as to why I do not read my E-mail.

At least you get emails!

lol,

beleive it or not this one is true though,,,,,,,,


"AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life."

regular tap water won't blow up,,,but distilled water will, if you put something in it.

the reason being is that when water is superheated the molecules try to find something to attach to...since tap water has the chemicals and stuff in it...it already has something to adhere to.

but distilled water doesn't have anything...so you have a gazillion super heated water molecules looking for something to grab on to............stick a spoon in it AFTER it comes out of the microwave ...and BAM!!!!.

I know there's prob a bunch gonna go try it right after reading this......

Thats why Im a non conformist, You can be deprogrammed Mr.Dobbins. Come on down here and I will have ya good as new in no time. I will have you drinking beer that came out of the same icechest the fish are in,Shakin the hands of strange men and huggin strange womens necks. You''ll be offering strangers a bite of your sanwich or hamburger,eatin with your hands while pettin a dog,why I still even walk out in my yard in my boxers to pee first thing every mornin. Less grass to cut. Youll be usin your trusty pocket knife to lance cysts and pickin splinters outta your hands. Snuff spit on wasp stings, Bitn a horses ear so itll stand still while somebody saddles it.
In no time You will be just as,uninhibted,nasty,gross and politically incorrect as me.

And wont charge ya a penny.

You Bored up there in those hills?

So you are saying that I can no longer taste test critter pooh to find out what the critter has eaten?

I was wondering what that dark spec was on yout tooth last week...

Do you want to live forever? You gota go sometime. I do know what you mean thoe. Its like when you go to the doctor. No matter whats wrong he says"you got to stop smoking" I had one tell me that and I said...Doc I have never smoked in my life. He said well then its your eating habbits,always remember if it tastes good spit it out and eat somthing you dont like.

Which spec?

I remeber back in the 80s when they first started running all the news about bad cholesterol and how bad eggs were for ya. than the next night on the news they would show some old guy up in the hills of Virginia somewhere. showing his little old shack with the chicken coop outback saying scientist were puzzeled how he and others up there were living to 100 and older. gosh I couldnt figure out how the million or so eggs he hadnt eaten in his lifetime didnt kill him!!! LMHO Mike

Ah man,, your life just plain sucks then!!LOL The cling wrap one I believe!

I wished there were 10 more of you I could have for neighbors I grew up with the folks you just described

Don't forget and sniff any lures either...according to some it may be dangerous to your health!!!

Increase the Liquor intake

it'll knock out all of that bad stuff!

haha i hate those email and text forwards like that

it's all good now i done won 6 lottery's i didn't even inter

after reading this BOSS I am going to the big city of Burlington with a whole pocket of 5s and I am going to throw them all over the parking lot.

Then I am going to go around picking them up to see if some woman comes along and tries to grab me a sexually asault me.

LMAO